This is always a futile affair, but more so than watching any other preseason game. The Green Bay Packers didn’t even bring half (or more) of their starters to Kansas City. However, typically no one of consequence plays in the fourth preseason game anyway. And if anyone of consequence does play, they play briefly.
So the Packers lost 33-21. And who cares?
Whatever first-team defense the Packers put out there, looked like garbage. They got wasted on the first drive by Wolverine great Chad Henne. Touchdown. The only guy who made a play was cornerback Kevin King, who swatted away a ball in the end zone on said drive. Very well may have been a P.I. call in the regular season, however. I was told that Nick Perry and Jaire Alexander were out there, as well. Did you see them? I didn’t.
Despite their combined three interceptions, I like the backup quarterbacks. DeShone Kizer has the arm that Brett Hundley never had. He’s not afraid to throw it in there. It’s a bit like Brett Favre, although I’m not making that comparison. Point is, Kizer can definitely make the throws. He’s also not afraid to throw it up for a bigger receiver, assuming that receiver can high-point the ball and out jump a shorter cornerback. That’s refreshing because, as great as he is, Aaron Rodgers hardly ever does that. Too risky. And Kizer’s touchdown toss to Geronimo Allison was money.
Tim Boyle? I still don’t know how this guy is better in the NFL then he was in college. But he is. I can see why the Packers want to keep him around. The first two picks on the night were both errant throws — both picked by Armani Watts. Guess what? Right place, right time. Both balls were overthrown and you just happened to be there, dude named after a fashion designer. Boyle’s second pick, he threw into a zone and our old friend Makinton Dorleant undercut the route. Classic rookie mistake, but man, did he fuckin’ rifle that ball in there. Boyle also clearly has the arm. I don’t know why he was crap in college, but I’ll take him now.
Aaron Jones is the man. I know he’s going to be suspended, but Aaron Jones is shifty and fast as hell. Jamaal Williams is a plodder. He’s pulling a plow. He and that plow might run you over, but it’s essentially, as Keith Jackson used to say, three yards and cloud of dust. Behind probably as shitty of an offensive line as could possibly be assembled in the entire NFL, Jones still looked like he might break one at any minute. Nine for 34 on the ground and a touch. Three for 21 in the passing game.
I would plead for Gravy Head to give Jones the starting job when Jones comes back, but I know good old Gravy Head won’t do that. “We need to run the football more!” “We need to run the football effectively!” “Running the ball is key!” We need to get [insert back’s name here] 20+ carries a game!” None of it ever happens. Gravy Head only pays lip service to the running game. He has no damn idea how to utilize it effectively. Never has. Never will. So he will most certainly go with the inferior back when all of the weapons are at his disposal. Because that’s what a Gravy Headed motherfucker and “highly successful football coach” does.
Marquez Valdes-Scantling — Three catches for 41 yards. Gravy Head will never use him in the regular season because Gravy Head can only comprehend using three receivers. But here is the deep threat the Packers have been lacking. And he can catch a jump ball. Think about those possibilities. Because I know Fat Mike isn’t. He was spotted in the tunnel well before halftime pouring the contents of a gravy boat down his throat.
Joel Bouagnon — Man, I don’t know if this dude is going to make the roster. Undrafted free agent from Northern Illinois in 2017. Signed by the Bears. Released in August. Was out of football. In swoops our man Gutes and signs dude in January. I couldn’t even tell you how to pronounce his name. That said, all I do is see the dude produce every time the Packers give him a shot, behind even worse offensive lines than Jones ran behind tonight. I mean, we are talking about offensive linemen who will never sniff an NFL game again, unless they buy a ticket. I’m not sure why Devante Mays deserves a roster spot at this point. If the Packers keep four running backs, Bouagnon should be the guy.
Robert Tonyan — Honestly, all this guy has done is produce all preseason. On Thursday, he caught four for 31 and Boyle’s only touchdown. The Packers are seemingly loaded at tight end. Jimmy Graham — going nowhere, excect maybe to the end zone. Marcedes Lewis — getting a little long in the tooth, but still a phenomenal blocker. Lance Kendricks — mmmmmm… Badger great? I doubt the Packers keep four tight ends. It has happened before, but either way, Tonyan has shown enough potential that we know he belongs in the league. And if the Packers begrudgingly moved on from Kendricks in favor of Tonyan, I wouldn’t argue. As my friend Kelly Hayes said, “Kendricks would make a good Bengal.”
Greer Martini — Can I just say his name one more time? Sorry, brother. You’re probably not making the roster, but I will be disappointed if you’re not at least on the practice squad. You’re obviously not going to win many foot races, but you do play hard, you do flow to the ball and I suspect that’s because you know your shit. I believe Martini led the Packers in tackles last week, or was at least close. He had five and a pass defensed this week. He also was among the first wave. It’s not like he was racking those tackles up in garbage time. So, hell, maybe he does have a shot.
Herb Waters — You’re a great story. Converted receiver coming out of Miami, just like our boy Sam Shields. You had the Packers’ lone pick on the night off Matt McGloin, who is a legit NFL quarterback. Not a No. 1, but a guy who can play in the league. There are just too many good cornerbacks on the Packers’ roster. I hope you, too, come back on the practice squad. I’d love to see you on the roster when the Packers send Davon House and/or Tramon Williams packing.
You’re Cut, Asshole!
Jason Spriggs — Thanks a lot for spending a second-round pick on this bum, Big Ted. I mean, I can’t even put it into words how terrible you are, Spriggs. It’s time to move on. I saw this clown get blown out on a run play on Thursday by some, what? Second or third-string dude, at best? No more. If the Packers are relying on Jason Spriggs to back up either tackle position anywhere near effectively, they may as well do Aaron Rodgers like The Wicker Man.
Josh Hawkins — Sorry, man. I have been a personal fan since you’ve been in Green Bay. You got speed to burn. Thing is, your head isn’t always where it needs to be. That was once again evident when you got burned on that deep ball by Byron Pringle. Who the hell is Byron Pringle? I HAVE NO IDEA! He sure as shit ain’t Marvin Jones! And Marvin Jones ain’t even shit! Walking papers!
Trevor Davis — I wouldn’t be quick to cut Trevor Davis, despite his obvious shortcomings as a receiver. Eight total NFL receptions. Horseshit. Davis still has the speed and vision to be a great return man. The question is, do you have a roster spot for a guy who only does that? Personally, unless you’re Mel Gray, Devin Hester, Dante Hall, Brian Mitchell or my main man Desmond Howard, then no. I got nothin’ for you. This was Davis’ first preseason action of the year and he was clearly trying too hard. He had the 30-yard kickoff return, which was nice, but only averaged 22.9 on the night. His lone punt return was for minus-four, and he fumbled. I know the Packers like him in the return role, but what justifies a roster spot?
Quinten Rollins — The fact that Rollins, a former second-round pick, even played in this game is a bad sign… for Rollins. Frankly, I didn’t notice Rollins and that’s probably good, but let’s break down this depth chart real quick. Tramon, KK, Jaire, JJ, Davon and maybe one other guy? I’m not sure. Maybe Rollins somehow sticks, but Big Ted isn’t in town. He’s down in Texas. Beers, Steers & Queers. It sure seems like it’s time to move on.