Why the 2016 Green Bay Packers Schedule is Horseshit

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Kirk Cousins

Kirk Cousins

Boy, the NFL really decided to bend the Green Bay Packers over and fuck them real hard right in two hole this year.

We can just see the Ginger Hammer giddily pounding away with his wee two-incher.

The players aren’t complaining about the schedule because, well, they’re getting paid millions of dollars regardless. The schedule sucks ball sack for the fans and, we imagine, the coaching staff because of the way it’s set up.

Let’s recount the absurdity of it all.

The Opener

The Green Bay Packers typically get a high-profile matchup in week 1. Why? Because they’re the Green Bay Fucking Packers, the cream of the NFL crop, the most storied franchise in all of football. What do they get this year? The NFL’s shitty JV squad, the Jacksonville Jaguars.

With obvious top-shelf matchup possibilities available — Seattle, Washington, even the New York Giants — the league decides to go with Jacksonville. Clearly, this was done as a reward for the Jaguars, probably for agreeing to play in London every season.

No one gives a shit about the Jaguars. Not even people in Jacksonville. With the Packers in town, this will be a rare sellout home game for the Jags. It will also shine a national spotlight on the team, albeit briefly.

That does nothing for us though, does it? On the bright side, at least the Packers are guaranteed to start 1-0.

And It’s a Road Opener

Yes, the Packers will travel to Jacksonville to open the season. Half the league starts on the road every season, but the Packers will now have done so for the fourth year in a row. You would think that starting the last three seasons on the road would have been enough to the satisfy the NFL. That maybe that earned the Packers the right to start their season in Lambeau Field in 2016.

NOPE! You will start on the road again and you will fucking like it!

And the First Two Are On the Road

We knew the Packers would be playing the shitbag Queens in week 2 to open the shiny new Hormel Chili Dome. Teams that build new stadiums — especially when they rape local taxpayers — pretty much get whatever they want from the league.

You want a Super Bowl? Sure! Done!

You want to bury some bodies under that motherfucker? Fuck it! Go ahead! We’re not looking!

You want to open with the Green Bay Packers? Sure! Fuck them! You got it!

Two road games for the Packers to open the season. That has not happened for 92 years. Ninety-two fucking years!

But hey, this is our lucky year.

The Bye

Each season, the NFL starts their bye weeks in week 4. When do the Packers get their bye this year? Week 4.

This is significant for one reason. The Packers are like a goddam M.A.S.H. unit every year. Injuries pile up. The longer the season goes one, the more injuries there are. Typically, the bye week is a great time for guys to rest and get healthy for the stretch run.

Pretty simply, early bye weeks should be the domain of teams who have no chance of going to the playoffs. Perennial contenders should all get late bye weeks, so their teams are in the best shape for the playoffs.

You want your best product on the field when everyone is watching, don’t you NFL?

Of course, being healthy for the playoffs is impossible when your bye week is the earliest possible date on the schedule.

No one is going to be dinged up in week 4. Thus, the benefits of the bye week will be moot for the Packers this year. Instead, they’ll be playing at least 13 consecutive weeks of football. Injures be damned!

Suck my fat cock, NFL!

The Three-Game Road Trip

Last time we looked, this wasn’t the NBA. It wasn’t MLB. It was the goddam NFL, where teams don’t go on three-game road trips. Oh, unless you are the 2016 Green Bay Packers!

Right there, jammed in November is a nice three-game road trip for the Packers. At Tennessee, at Philadelphia, at Washington. Who knows how tough those teams are actually going to be, but we can say this. Winning on the road in the league isn’t easy. Winning on the road in the league in three consecutive weeks has an even greater degree of difficulty.

The league has basically tilted the odds in favor of the opposition. Maybe not the first game at Tennessee, but definitely the final game of the trip at Washington, which will probably also be the toughest matchup for the Packers.

By comparison, the Packers played no more than two consecutive road games before returning to Lambeau Field in 2015.

It’s also worth noting that the Washington game is slated for Sunday Night Football. Do you think the NFL is interested in perhaps evening out the playing field by putting one team at a disadvantage there? Perhaps manufacturing an upset for their national TV audience?

That would be crazy. Right?

Seriously. Fuck these guys.

About The Author

Mordecai is a writer living in Los Angeles. He primarily writes screenplays, but also does crap like this because GREEN BAY PACKERS, baby!

22 Comments on "Why the 2016 Green Bay Packers Schedule is Horseshit"

  1. Kato

    They just have to go out and take care of business. At least the three road games are all in the eastern time zone. Not flip flopping back and forth.

  2. Phatgzus

    Late summer game in Jacksonville against a Jaguars team that actually has a capable QB and receivers is no guaranteed win, then we have to play a jacked Minnesota team in their new house, not going to be an easy start to the season. That bye week is fucked, why not just have fewer bye weeks with more teams off each week instead of these completely useless byes at the start of the season?

  3. guysocke

    This is one of the worst articles this site has ever produced.

    So much horseshit was spewed, I do not even want to waste any time poking holes in your flawed logic.

    I would rather read one of E. Wolf’s short stories – no exaggeration.

    • Savage57

      Wow – that’s saying something, since reading one of Wolfie’s convoluted tomes is like getting a double case of shingles on your dick.

  4. Chad Lundberg

    Complain if you want about the schedule, at least the majority of games are easy. But how in the world can you possibly complain about the chance to ruin the Vikings new home opener??? For this site, THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE!!!

    But I will say a week 4 bye, is absolute BULLSHIT. Seriously, the NFL ought to eliminate all bye’s before the 7th week, if not a little later.

    5 Primetime games. This pleases men.

  5. This is honestly one of the saddest things I have seen on this piece of shit website. You bastards are just looking for ways to make it seem like the NFL somehow has it out for the Packers. The only thing that I agree with here is that the bye week during the fourth week of the season is fucking stupid. REALLY FUCKING STUPID. Everything else though, it’s just bullshit. How entitled do you have to be when you get pissed off because the Packers don’t open their season against a top team for that season or a playoff team from a year ago? It’s the first fucking week of the season. Last I checked, you have AT LEAST five prime time games this season. Stop bitching. Then you act like playing the first two games of the season on the road is the biggest slight in league history. Again, just pussy shit here. A three game road trip is tough, but hey, aren’t you guys the great Green Bay Packers? If you are as great as you claim to be then playing three games on th road in a row shouldn’t be an issue. Then you suggest that the league wants an upset on national TV with the Redskins game. It’s fucking pathetic. You Packers fans are pathetic. Get over yourselves.

    • PF4L

      Packer fans didn’t write this shit whining article. It’s obvious most Packer fans don’t agree with it. If justice rules the day, this clown won’t be writing here anymore and embarrassing Packer Nation.

      So with that said Dave…the only thing you should be worrying about is whether this is the year the Lions win their first Super Bowl. Ok, i apologize for that, that was cruel.

      Enjoy the season Simba.

      Go Lions Go!! Bwahahahahaha.

    • Ferris

      Go away Dave. You want to be a fan of a winner soooo bad…it just makes you look weak and ignorant. Have fun with your misery for the rest of your life.

    • Thats What Cheesehead

      Not sure how choking and Packers fit in the same sentence coming from someone who roots for a team who can’t win even just a little bit to keep HOF players like Barry Sanders or Calvin Johnson from retiring early.

  6. The schedule is what it is. Nothing to complain about, just go out and take care of business. The team appears to have a positive attitude about the schedule and that is all that counts at this point.

    In 2013 the team had a week four bye and won four straight after. Things were going fine until the broken collarbone. Last year how did that mid season bye work? Not worth a shit. What really matters is how well teams are playing and how healthy they are when you play them. You can never tell until that time rolls around.

    2010 Pack won three in a row on the other teams turf in the playoffs. The Pack just need to take advantage of the schedule provided and Finish Strong!

  7. jtmax

    No more Marshawn Lynch and if we draft a real ILB and stay healthy for Seahawks, we can go undefeated. Easy peasy schedule. Only a couple of playoff teams on schedule and we don’t have to play against a real NFL QB till Seahawks.
    I don’t care if we have easy schedule. Better chance to develop Jeff Janis beyotch!

  8. Donnie O.

    This has been really fun going through the comments. Please, everyone who’s all jacked up and puffing their chests out, calm down. Five letters: E-X-L-A-X. It’s just a game. Cheer for your team. Be a humble winner. Be a gracious loser. The world needs this. Oh, and: GO PACK!

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