The Definitive NFL Uniform Rankings

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Super Bowl XLV Aaron Rodgers and Jordy Nelson

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With Green Bay Packers training camp almost a month away, now is the perfect time for us to take a time out and give you this the Definitive NFL Uniform Rankings Spectacular, from yours truly, E. Wolf!  In these rankings, we will learn the secrets of what makes a uniform ugly, and what makes it a timeless classic that endures with the passing of time.

The most important factors of consideration in these deliberations are:

Continuity. The truly great uniforms — both those in the NFL, as revealed below, as well the likes of The New York Yankees or the Boston Celtics — withstand the test of time. This is a tell-tale sign of their universal appeal. They do not waiver or falter, so much like a flaccid weather vane that goes whichever way the wind blows, with each passing fad that comes almost as soon as it goes.

Color scheme. Much like the colors brandished by nations in times of peace and war, a team and its fans, like a quasi-nation, are identified by the colors they bear.  Some color schemes work better than others.

Uniform design. As we will soon see, a team can have a decent enough color scheme or logo, but fall apart in uniform design. Uniform design includes striping, solid color pattern or new “edgy” designs (almost never a good thing), and lettering style and emblem display.

Helmet logo and other insignia. Perhaps greater than any other factor, a team is signified by its logo, much like great powers through the ages were signified by the symbols displayed on their banners and war ensigns. The truly great teams display symbols with this principle in mind. If it looks like it could be featured on a war ensign or other banner, or a fighter plane, tank or other weapon of war, it is a superior design. Overwrought, busy or gimmicky symbols are never a winner.

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About The Author

Just a Packers fan and native Seattleite left stranded in New York City, and apparently suffering from post traumatic stress disorder from the near disaster in New Orleans in January of 2010. Also known as David in NYC who has called in and written to ESPN Milwaukee 540.

16 Comments on "The Definitive NFL Uniform Rankings"

    • I am still waiting for the packers to have a “superman” underwear on the outside look. I am thinking all yellow with green bikini. Man oh man I dream of seeing 11 men run down on the kickoff, make a tackle and put their hands on their hips in celebration!

  1. Hey Monty, where is the article on Quarless firing a gun. ANOTHER Packer gets in trouble with the law. This group is just a bad group of people, really reflects on your franchise doesn’t it?

    • Phatgzus

      Yup, a pot bust, 1 game suspension for God knows what, and allegedly firing a gun in the air; a real group of hooligans.
      Dave, I have two words for you: Titus Young.

      • Phatgzus, Titus Young was one guy who had a mental illness. There have been four or five different Packers to get arrested or in trouble with the law this offseason, and we still have a substantial amount of time left before the season starts. Maybe one of the worst and most epic playoff collapses in the history of the NFL is still haunting them? The memory of Brandon Bostick will live on forever in GB. They just don’t know how to cope with the loss. A bunch of immature little pansies living on the success of AR. Without him, as stated before, this team would be nothing.

        • Phatgzus

          Three, actually, and 2 of them are pot-related, big whoop. Furthermore, if Quarless did indeed fire a gun off in a public location I would be surprised if GB didn’t get rid of him, because unlike the Leos, the organization doesn’t tolerate violent behavior.
          Simply because Titus Young was one person doesn’t mean anything, the Leos not only drafted him knowing he had major issues, but kept him around regardless. Additionally, how many players in the NFL don’t have some sort of mental issue? This is not a game in which well-adjusted individuals typically excel.
          Finally, at least the Packers can make the Playoffs (without having to hang a banner to celebrate that accomplishment no less), and even better the NFCCG. Where would the Leos have been without Stafford and Suh? Probably 0-16 again instead of consistently mediocre. Nice attempt at trolling, but until the Leos actually do something your attempts will be nothing but pathetically humorous.

        • Dave, they “coped” with the loss by scapegoating Brandon Bostick and then cutting him. Yeah, it was all him. Yeah, he tried to help the team, he did too much, let’s blame him. They lost that game in 8 different ways and the Seahawks won it in 8 different ways. Change any one of those 16 and the Packers could have won it. Change any one of 16 other things and they could have lost it by double digits. Instead of manning up and taking responsibility and becoming a team they chose scapegoating, which is a form of cowardice.
          The team has cowards at the top — TT and Mike McCarthy — with criminals and drug abusers and cheaters in the locker room (Guion, Quarless, Matthews, Peppers, Neal, etc. etc. etc.). Rodgers, the face of the franchise, is not a drug abuser or a criminal (at least, not caught yet) but he is an arrogant whiner. Who would root for these guys? It would be like rooting for the mafia or for prisoners to escape a maximum security prison during a riot, or for Japanese whalers…..

    • Cheese

      I made it to the Jaguars after slipping the intro. Don’t care about the rest of the leagues uniforms, let alone the rest of the league.

  2. Moolla

    Although still “brandished betwixt the melodramatic and overwrought” as is typical of Wolfie, the list is still appreciated.
    I personally like looking into uniform designs and agree with a lot of the rankings bar some minor exceptions. Most notably that, if I can ignore my homerism, the bears uniform would “reign supreme”.
    I also can’t understand how those designers begin to think when putting out those gaudy, ‘edgy’ letterings seen on the bucs and seahawks.

  3. Hahahahaha! High comedy!
    This article was obviously satire. I bet, though, that most Packer fans will not have the intelligence to catch on and will actually think the Packer uniform should be #1.
    There are various football players who have gone on record they’d like to be a Seattle Seahawk just because their uniforms are so cool. Meanwhile, never has a pro player or college player (or, likely, any high school players) ever been effusive in praising or yearning to wear a Packer uniform. Yet the article ranks the Seahawks down in the 20s and the Packers at #1. And the Browns, the Browns(!), renowned for the ugliest uniforms, at #10. That right there reveals the satire. That was the Are-They-Stupid-Enough-To-Buy-It canary in the coal mine. If you read that the Browns uniform was ranked #10 and found that credible then anyone would know you would buy the Packer uniform being #1 hook, line, and sinker.
    Interesting technique of trying to make the Packers uniform rank #1 more credible by ranking other teams with letters in the helmet high as well. The Giants have very plain uniforms and a terrible helmet, arguably plainer and worse than the Packers. Same with the Jets though at least they spell a full word.
    For those who bought into the Packer uniform being #1 (or anything other than bottom 5 worst) here is a little enlightenment. Green and yellow is a very meek color combination. It is not bold. It is not strong. It is not colorful. It is not interesting. The letter G is a below average letter as letters go. But what choice had they? Show an image of a laborer putting a round of cheddar cheese into a cardboard box? Or hacking pig’s feet off a sow? Literally, the best they could do was a put a letter on the helmet! My God! Can you picture them at the planning session? “Er…ahhhh… I gueeeeeees… we could, um…. just, like…. put a letter G on it…?” Way to be creative and really catch the eye. Way to make the statement, “Look! Proof we know one of the letters of the alphabet! Take that you eggheads. Oh, and another thing, possum tastes GREAT!”
    By the way, the criteria was also part of the satirical comedy. Note that one was if the uniform had been changed because quality stands the test of time. That is sort of like saying Packer fans have the best underwear because they wear it the longest without washing it. (Which they do — longest between changed that is, not the best underwear.) Remember, this is the organization too cheap to give their fans actual seats in their stadium, too cheap to modernize it or build a proper stadium. Lambeau Field can’t match most college stadiums! Then again, they can do that because they have fans that just lick up that logic — we have the oldest crappiest stadium therefore it is the best stadium and we feel sorry for fans of other teams that have modern nice stadiums. Just because a team has had ugly uniforms a long time does NOT mean they are not ugly. Just because an organization is too cheap or lacks creativity or options to change does not mean the current uniforms are not boring or ugly.

    • Arcturus

      I read your first 2 sentences and it was enough to convince me you’re a shitheel. Then scrolling down, the length of the post gave me the breadth of your stupidity.

      • There are some cool Packer fans but the majority are more like you. Yes, I am sure you did convince yourself. Your type are able to convince yourself of whatever you want to believe. Your own little bubble of self-deception. Quite simply you were unable to intelligently and coherently understand the concepts conveyed and certainly had no prospect of intelligently and persuasively contesting them.

        Enjoy your self-deception bubble. I bet you even have a “girlfriend” in there, huh?

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