So, the Green Bay Packers scraped out a one-point win over a three-win team on Sunday. The Atlanta Falcons…
Fuck it. It’s a win and we haven’t had one of those in a while.
Am I right?!
And I know, what the fuck was I doing all day? Well, getting on a plane and shit. Flying across the goddam country.
So, on to five more!
Jarrett Bush — suddenly, boss
Yeah, for sure. We totally talked up Andrew Quarless on Sunday, but what about your whipping boy Jarrett Bush? Well, yeah, that guy stepped the fuck up! You hear that Jarrett Bush? Don’t let it go to you head! Nonethekess, the Packers 85th-string cornerback came into the game and got shit done on Sunday. Also, you should note that he replaced Davon House. Why? Is it because Davon House inexplicably started to suck balls at some point? Probably… that’s what you need for Jarrett Bush to get on the field. Dude made plays, though. Maybe he’s played his way into the role. Maybe House just sucked that bad. Don’t know. Don’t care. Your whipping boy came up big on Sunday, though.
Pride… or something like that
The Packers run defense has been much-maligned as of late. And for good reason. They fucking suck a donkey’s dick. However, on Sunday, those shitdicks held the Falcons to 83 yards on the ground. Now, let’s be honest. The Falcons pretty much blow, but nonetheless. It’s something. Remember when we were going to sign Steven Jackson? Hahahahaha. He’s a washed-up POS. Wishes he was Eddie Lacy. Look, on one hand, it’s good for the defense to have a day like this. They actually looked serviceable. On the other hand, look who they were playing. A bunch of Chachies. We’ll take it though.
Good to have you back Johnny Jolly
Johnny Jolly started the season strong. It was like he never left. And then he left… during this season. Invisible. Not bringing his usual high-energy play. Well, maybe he needed a break. John MF’in Jolly was back this week. Five tackles, one for loss, a pass defended and a fumble recovery. Kill it, my boy!
And suck balls B.J. Raji
So, two weeks in a row this dickbag doesn’t register a tackle. This week, he comes up with the huge effort of one tackle. Remember when we told you this fuckface turned down $8 million a year from the Packers? Well, I’ll tell you what. Fire your agent you dumbass! Oh, and do I need to remind you, you’re in a contract year? You should be playing out of your ass! Instead, you’re just another fat fuck on a lazy, unathletic, fat fuck of a defense. The Packers can replace you with another fat fuck for a fraction of the price. Get lost. Eight million a year. Fuck… If the Packers pay this asshat that much, you can help me up onto the Fire Ted Bandwagon.
Finally. I know we’re going to dick around with the Aaron Rodgers is-he-or-isn’t-he-playing bullshit this week, but let’s be honest. The Packers scraped by a shitty team on Sunday… at home. They aren’t scraping by anyone else for the rest of the season. They need QB1. Stroll into Dallas and beat the Cowboys, even though they’re awful on defense — not going to happen. Unless… QB1 is rolling in there. You wanna sling guns, Tony Romo? I’ll sling guns — Aaron Rodgers. Matty Flynn don’t sling guns. And he won’t slinging them in the heart of gunslinging country. You’re more liable to get fired upon on the freeway by some random U.S.A.-loving Tehaa redneck than Matt Flynn rolling into the Jerry Dome and outperforming Tony Romo.