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Posts tagged Jared Allen

Even Married, Jared Allen Still A Douche

We told you full-time asshat, part-time Minnesota Vikings defensive end Jared Allen was getting married. Guess what? That obviously crazier-than-a-shithouse-rat bitch actually went through with it. So we all get to hear about Allen’s honeymoon, which was a camping trip to Arkansas stay on the coast of Italy. And just when you think Allen can’t […]

Jared Allen No Longer A Dumbass With A Mullet, Just A Dumbass

Jared Allen

Minnesota Vikings’ defensive end/chief douchebag/animal fucker and all-around dumbass has cut his mullet. Allen, who still looks like a redneck thug who molests his sister, apparently cut the mullet because he’s getting married. That’s right, Jared Allen is getting married. When we found out Allen wasn’t getting married to his cousin, which is completely legal […]

Stadium-Hungry Vikings Whore Out Jared Allen

The Minnesota Vikings are getting aggressive in their crusade for a new stadium. Team owner Zygi Wilf met privately Thursday with state lawmakers at St. Paul’s posh University Club to discuss possible stadium bills, while Jared Allen spent that evening being, well, Jared Allen. The defensive end/attention whore/douche bag has become something of a poster […]

Don’t Mess With Jared Allen’s Girlfriend, Just Wear His Jersey When Committing Crimes

You know how much we love Minnesota Vikings’ defensive end and dumbass redneck Jared Allen, so we really couldn’t resist bringing you the latest news from the Sax Machine. First, comes this video in which you’ll see Allen utter these words: “I’ll break your fucking neck homeboy … and then I’ll write a check to […]

A Sure Sign Brett Favre Will Play in 2010

Brett Favre

Not many of us who pay close attention to the comings and goings of Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre have much doubt he’ll play in 2010, but then, you don’t want to jump to conclusions until he says so himself. Today there is word out of New York, where the New York Jets signed running […]

Kampman Could Land in the Division

Aaron Kampman

The Green Bay Packers’ Aaron Kampman is a free agent and we’ve speculated on several occasions why he’s unlikely to be back with the team for the 2010 season. Chief among those reasons is Kampman didn’t fare well converting from a 4-3 defensive end to a 3-4 outside linebacker. For that reason alone, Kampman is […]

Jared Allen Wants More Favre Man Love

Jared Allen

It’s not surprising that the Minnesota Vikings want quarterback Brett Favre back next season. Despite his soul crushing, game-ending NFC Championship game interception that made those of us in the Green Bay Packers camp giddy like a child on Christmas morning, Favre had a pretty nice year – a lot nicer year than Tarvaris Jackson […]

Woodson Packers’ Lone All Pro

Charles Woodson

In news that should really surprise no one, cornerback Charles Woodson is the Green Bay Packers lone member of the NFL All-Pro team. The All-Pro team is voted on my members of the Associated Press and made up of the top players from both conferences, unlike the Pro Bowl, which separates the squads into AFC […]

Woodson Picks Up Another Award And Rex Ryan Is a Douchebag

Charles Woodson

Green Bay Packers cornerback Charles Woodson won the NFL Defensive Player of the Year on Tuesday by a wide margin. On Wednesday, he picked up the Sporting News’ NFL defensive player of the year award, which is voted on by 636 players, coaches and executives. Woodson again finished first by a wide margin, receiving 241 […]

Woodson Wins Defensive Player of the Year By a Landslide

Charles Woodson

Green Bay Packers cornerback Charles Woodson put the question to rest today. He’s the NFL Defensive Player of the Year and he won by a wide margin over New York Jets’ cornerback Darrelle Revis. Woodson received 28 votes to Revis’ 14. The Denver Broncos’ Elvis Dumervil and the New Orleans Saints’ Darren Sharper tied for […]

Jets’ Revis Woodson’s Main Competition For Defensive MVP

This cat is good

Around these parts it’s pretty much a foregone conclusion that the Green Bay Packers’ Charles Woodson will be the NFL Defensive Player of the Year. We’ve looked at the competition and crunched the numbers. But we may have overlooked one guy – New York Jets’ cornerback Darrelle Revis. Previously, our discussion centered around the Minnesota […]

Woodson Defensive POM, And Why He Should Win Defensive POY

Charles Woodson is looking up at no one in this race.

Green Bay Packers cornerback Charles Woodson was named the NFC Defensive Player of the Month on Thursday, for the month of November. This is Woodson’s second such award this season, the first coming for his play in September. Additionally, Woodson has twice been named the NFC’s defensive player of the week, most recently for his […]

Charles Woodson NFC Defensive Player of the Week… Again

Chuckles getting his Jollies

Green Bay Packers’ cornerback Charles Woodson was named the NFC Defensive Player of the Week for the second time this season. In addition to winning the award for his performance against the Detroit Lions, he also won it for his play in the Packers win over the Dallas Cowboys. Against Detroit, Woodson registered seven tackles, […]

Jared Allen Is Such A Clown!

Jared Allen

Ah, that Jared Allen. He’s such a clown! I just can’t get enough of him! [insert screech of needle violently scratching across a record]. Of course, we’re just kidding. Jared Allen is a douchebag. He plays for the Minnesota Vikings – the douchiest organization in the history of professional sports. His hillbilly antics are tired. […]

It Doesn’t Take Much to Get to Aaron Rodgers

Aaron Rodgers gets sacked - big surprise! Photo: Evan Siegle

Seriously. It doesn’t take much to get to Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers. Of the league-leading 37 sacks the Packers have given up this season, only six have been recorded when opposing teams blitz. That’s only 16 percent. In other words, the recipe for shutting down the Packers offense is pretty simple – send […]

These Stats Tell the Story For the Packers

A familiar sight. Photo: Tom Lynn

The Green Bay Packers have piled up some eye-popping stats in their games against the Minnesota Vikings – of the negative variety. Two things immediately jump out when you look at the two games, both of which the Vikings won. Pressuring the quarterback The Packers’ inability to protect quarterback Aaron Rodgers is well documented. The […]

Packers Simply Outplayed in Favre Bowl II Loss

AP Photo/Jeffrey Phelps

There’s really not much to analyze in the Green Bay Packers’ 38-26 loss to the Minnesota Vikings Sunday in Favre Bowl II at Lambeau Field. Vikings QB Brett Favre was booed – and booed heartily – pretty much every time he stepped onto his old playing field. So was former Packers kicker Ryan Longwell, but […]

Predictions: Packers vs. Vikings

Total Packers takes a look at today’s Green Bay Packers, Minnesota Vikings game and offers their predictions. Monty: Forget about Brett Favre for a second. This game comes down to two things: turnovers and pressure. If the Packers can win the turnover battle and keep Aaron Rodgers off the ground, they’ll win going away. The […]

Get To Know A Viking: Jeff Dugan

Let me be totally honest. Last Sunday, I cheered louder during the Pittsburgh Steelers’ victory over the Minnesota Vikings than I did during the Green Bay Packers’ cakewalk over the Cleveland Browns. I was also watching the game closely to spot our next subject for our Get To Know A Viking. We’ve already covered Hillbilly […]

Jared Allen: Even Bigger Douche Than We Thought

Yeah, we know. Jared Allen can play football. He can also take douchebaggery to new heights, and he’s done it once again. We know about the mullet, we know about the red-neckery, we know about the nonsense that comes out of his mouth on a regular basis. In fact, we detailed this in our first […]