Posts tagged Jared Allen
So Long, Percy Harvin
Mar 11th
The Minnesota Vikings have traded receiver Percy Harvin to the Seattle Seahawks for a bunch of draft picks. Mark Seattle down for the Super Bowl now.
Packers vs. Vikings: What to Watch For
Dec 1st
The Green Bay Packers play the turds known as the Minnesota Vikings this week. Here’s what to watch for, including the mentally challenged and Greg Jennings return.
It’s Good to Know the Vikings Still Suck
Oct 26th
Things are returning to normal. The Minnesota Vikings have lost two of their last three games after last night’s defeat. Here’s where we salute the best of the NFL!
Rodgers NFC Offensive Player Of The Year
Jan 17th
Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers was named the NFC offensive player of the year for the NFL 101 Awards. What the hell are the NFL 101 Awards? We’ll explain, along with what the win means.
Rodgers, Woodson Named To All-Pro Team
Jan 6th
The Green Bay Packers put two players on the NFL All-Pro team — Aaron Rodgers and Charles Woodson. At least one of the results is a little surprising, though. Here’s the breakdown.
Jared Allen Likes Touching Other Dudes’ Junk
Dec 6th
Minnesota Vikings defensive end Jared Allen is a dipshit, but we didn’t know he liked feeling other dudes’ junk while on the field. Well, he does. Here’s his explanation for punching Ray Edwards in the balls.
Around The League: Week Six Review
Oct 19th
Here’s a look around the NFL after six weeks. Let us know what you think. Making statements San Francisco 49ers We called the Niners surprising last week, but we’ll call them legit this week. Jim Harbaugh’s team went into Detroit and took care of the Lions. They’re 5-1 and their victory in week six proved [...]
Around The League: Week Five Review
Oct 12th
A look at what’s going on around the NFL after five weeks, including the surprises, top 10 teams, top five players, who’s #winning and who’s #losing. Feel free to chime in.
Jared Allen: (Not Surprisingly) Still A Douche
Jun 7th
Minnesota Vikings defensive end Jared Allen is just so awesome! He’s awesome and totally cool in a way anyone who isn’t a dumb redneck just wouldn’t understand! In other words, he’s (still) a douchebag. And Minnesota Vikings fans still love him. You know, peanut butter and jelly.
Why It All Went Wrong For The Vikings
Nov 17th
Oh, those poor Minnesota Vikings. They’ve become the NFL’s freak show. Not only does their team, at 3-6, suck, but no one likes head coach Brad Childress, quarterback Brett Favre is now recognized more for sending photos of his cock to Jenn Sterger than anything he’s doing on the football field, and the team’s early-season [...]
The Brett Favre Curse Is Broken
Oct 24th
The Green Bay Packers finally pulled out a close game and in doing so, ended the curse of Brett Favre, beating the Minnesota Vikings 28-24. The Packers sit in a tie with the Chicago Bears atop the NFC North with the Chicago Bears at 4-3. Although the Packers defense gave up plenty of yards — [...]
10 Reasons We Hate Vikings Fans
Oct 21st
Honestly, this list could probably contain several hundred entries, but I decided to whittle it down to 10. So, without further ado, here are the top 10 reasons we hate the scum of the NFL — the Minnesota Vikings fan. 10. Worst. Stadium. Ever. Now that County Stadium is no more, I can easily say [...]
Jared Allen Will No Longer Be Able To Rope Calves
Oct 7th
We’re going to take a break from telling you everyone on the Green Bay Packers is injured to deliver some good news. Minnesota Vikings defensive end/sheep fucker Jared Allen will no longer be able to perform the traditional version of his sack celebration. You know, the one where he drops to one knee and pretends [...]
Contest Winner: Why I Love The Green Bay Packers
Sep 8th
Commenter billyschwills was the winner of our “Why I Love the Green Bay Packers” contest that ended this week. His bounty is a $100 gift certificate. We asked readers to tell us either why they love the Green Bay Packers or, if they happen to be a troll, hate the Green Bay Packers. You know, [...]
All It Took For Brett Favre To Return Was A Tug Job From Jared Allen
Aug 17th
Brett Favre is a stupid fucking scumbag, but we’re contractually bound to tell you he’s going to play for the Minnesota Vikings this season. Favre boarded a plane earlier today, which is said to be on its way to Minnesota. We hope it crashes. Even though the Vikings were feigning ignorance — which, let’s face [...]
Jared Allen Mauled By Dog
Jul 28th
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking — it’s too good to be true. Well, unfortunately, it is. Everyone’s least favorite hillbilly/sheepfucker Jared Allen was indeed mauled by a dog. On the negative side, he was wearing protective gear when the mauling occurred. Allen took part in a training exercise with while in Afghanistan on a [...]
Trouble Brewing In Minnesota?
Jul 13th
As you probably know, I hate the Minnesota Vikings. More than terrorists. So, this potential disaster/distraction/whatever puts a smile on my face. Vikings running back Adrian Peterson isn’t happy. Who would be, playing for that despicable franchise? Michael Lombardi reports Peterson will be the next player to complain about his contract. Peterson is still playing [...]
Even Married, Jared Allen Still A Douche
Jul 7th
We told you full-time asshat, part-time Minnesota Vikings defensive end Jared Allen was getting married. Guess what? That obviously crazier-than-a-shithouse-rat bitch actually went through with it. So we all get to hear about Allen’s honeymoon, which was a camping trip to Arkansas stay on the coast of Italy. And just when you think Allen can’t [...]
Jared Allen No Longer A Dumbass With A Mullet, Just A Dumbass
May 26th
Minnesota Vikings’ defensive end/chief douchebag/animal fucker and all-around dumbass has cut his mullet. Allen, who still looks like a redneck thug who molests his sister, apparently cut the mullet because he’s getting married. That’s right, Jared Allen is getting married. When we found out Allen wasn’t getting married to his cousin, which is completely legal [...]
Stadium-Hungry Vikings Whore Out Jared Allen
Apr 23rd
The Minnesota Vikings are getting aggressive in their crusade for a new stadium. Team owner Zygi Wilf met privately Thursday with state lawmakers at St. Paul’s posh University Club to discuss possible stadium bills, while Jared Allen spent that evening being, well, Jared Allen. The defensive end/attention whore/douche bag has become something of a poster [...]