Posts tagged Chicago Bears

Cutler, Cavallari Will One Day Produce No-Talent Offspring

Jay Cutler

Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler is the biggest mouth breather on the face of the planet. He’s also a quitter, but that’s not important here. Reality star Kristen Cavallari, of Laguna Beach “fame,” has no discernible talent and dumbs down every room she’s in. So really, it’s perfect that the pair, who’ve been dating since last fall, got engaged over the weekend.

Detroit Lions Now Relevant

Calvin Johnson

We warned you this day was coming. The Detroit Lions, long the bottom feeder of the NFL, are suddenly relevant. No, it isn’t because they reeled off four victories to close the season. It isn’t because they have Pro Bowlers like Calvin Johnson and Ndamukong Suh.

You’re Hurting Jay Cutler’s Feelings!

Jay Cutler

The Chicago Bears main mouth breather, Jay Cutler, is finally talking. Cutler hasn’t spoken publicly since the Bears lost to the Green Bay Packers in the NFC Championship game, while everyone with any sense questioned his toughness for not playing the second half of the game.

Illinois Governor Hasn’t Paid NFC Championship Bet

It won’t surprise anyone a politician is full of shit. Illinois governor Pat Quinn made a bet with Wisconsin governor Scott Walker over the Green Bay Packers NFC Championship tilt with the Chicago Bears. The loser of the bet agreed to work at a food pantry in the winner’s state wearing the opposing team’s gear. […]

Bears Will Target Cullen Jenkins

Cullen Jenkins

The Chicago Bears will target Green Bay Packers defensive end Cullen Jenkins whenever free agency begins, according to John Mullin of CSN Chicago. The Bears are looking to improve their defensive line and after re-signing defensive tackle Anthony Adams, Jenkins will be the team’s second priority.

Packers’ Five-Year Draft Run Best In NFL

Clay Matthews

The Green Bay Packers have the best draft run over the past five years, according to Matt Maiocco of Comcast Sportsnet. The team still has 57 percent of the players they’ve chosen on their roster (27 out of 47) — only five teams have more. The rankings also consider how many star players, busts and how […]

In Chicago, It’s A Good Idea To Let Devin Hester Be A Writer

Devin Hester

Man, I don’t even know where to begin. As someone who can actually string a comprehensible sentence together, I’m offended. There’s a magazine called Chicago Parent and someone there decided it would be a good idea to give Chicago Bears returner Devin Hester a column in said magazine. Hester’s first column just came out and… […]

Create Your Own Chicago Bears License Plate!

Chicago Bears license plate

The gods have smiled on us today, friends! The state of Illinois has introduced Chicago Bears license plates so people from Illinois can be even more obnoxious and look even dumber while they’re trashing the fine state of Wisconsin this summer. That’s not the great part, though. The great part is, you can go online […]

Lovie Smith: Still An Idiot

Lovie Smith

After Chicago Bears coach Lovie Smith led his team to the NFC North title and NFC Championship game last season, I began to develop some respect for him. Since then, he’s done nothing but prove my initial feeling about him correct. He’s a complete idiot.

NFL Has Dumbass New Kickoff Rule

Devin Hester

If the NFL wanted to eliminate what’s potentially one of the most exciting plays in football, they did a good job on Tuesday. The league decided to move kickoffs from the 30 to the 35-yard line. You know what that means? You’re only going to see touchbacks in the NFL, next season. Awesome! I’m probably […]

Iron Mike Cuts A Rug!

They were even dumber in Chicago in the 1980s. If you remember the idiots who wrote the song about Chicago Bears return man Devin Hester, and you thought it couldn’t get any worse, you were sadly mistaken. Today, we bring you this gem, which is obviously from the ’80s and features former Bears coach Mike Ditka doing, among other things, tearing up the dance floor, playing foosball by himself and carrying a clipboard around the club.

Would The Real Jay Cutler Please Stand Up?

Jay Cutler

I’m not clever enough to write an entire article referencing Eminem’s popular song in witty sorts of ways, nor would I want any of you to think I’m a fan of his. So, the analogies cease here and onto the real question: does anyone else find it hilarious that Jay Cutler’s namesake is this meathead? […]

Now Naked Guys Are Cursing Jay Cutler Before Getting Arrested

Jay Cutler

The king of the mouth breathers and Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler can’t catch a break.

I guess that’s what happens when you give up during the NFC Championship game, spend the second half standing around on the sidelines looking stupid and then don’t say peep while everyone and his brother is trashing you in the media during the offseason.

Get It Straight: Jay Cutler Is Awesome!

Jay Cutler

Another day, another jerkoff defending Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler. This time it’s Bears offensive coordinator Mike Martz. Martz is here to remind us Cutler is tough and tell us he’s going to be an elite quarterback. You know, the same Jay Cutler that decided not to play the second half of the NFC Championship […]

Lovie Smith Gets His Extension, Talks Up Cutler

Lovie Smith

The Chicago Bears have given coach Lovie Smith a two-year contract extension.

Smith, who was entering the final year of a four-year contract, made $5.5 million under his old deal, making him one of the highest-paid coaches in the NFL. Assuming he didn’t take a pay cut, Smith makes slightly more than Green Bay Packers coach Mike McCarthy, who recently signed an extension paying him an average of $5 million a year.

Quitler

Remember when Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler quit on his team during the second half of the NFC Championship game against the Green Bay Packers because his vagina hurt?

In case you forgot about it, I thought now would be as good a time as any to remind you.

Dave Duerson Committed Suicide

Dave Duerson

When I heard former Chicago Bears safety Dave Duerson died on Thursday, I didn’t pay much attention.

People die every day.

Things changed on Saturday, however, when it was revealed Duerson committed suicide by shooting himself in the chest.

They’re Despondent In Chicago

Jay Cutler

2010 was a good season for the Chicago Bears — they won the NFC North, they made it to the NFC Championship game, and… yeah, well, they lost to a hated division rival with the Super Bowl on the line.

That’s gotta leave a bad taste in your mouth.

Vomit-Inducing News Of The Day: Jay Cutler Getting Engaged

Jay Cutler

The more I think about it, the more this makes sense.

A no-talent quarterback is getting engaged to a no-talent reality star.

That’s right, mouth-breather extraordinaire and all-around vagina, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler is getting engaged.

Jeremy Piven Does Not Like Your Super Bowl Matchup

Jeremy Piven, of Entourage fame, doesn’t like anything about this year’s Super Bowl matchup. Piven was looking for a New York Jets-Chicago Bears game for, who knows why. Probably because he sucks. There honestly couldn’t have been a shittier Super Bowl matchup than that. Anyway, Piven voiced his displeasure over the Green Bay Packers-Pittsburgh Steelers […]