Jared Allen
Jared Allen Likes Touching Other Dudes’ Junk
Dec 6th
Minnesota Vikings defensive end Jared Allen is a dipshit, but we didn’t know he liked feeling other dudes’ junk while on the field. Well, he does. Here’s his explanation for punching Ray Edwards in the balls.
Jared Allen: (Not Surprisingly) Still A Douche
Jun 7th
Minnesota Vikings defensive end Jared Allen is just so awesome! He’s awesome and totally cool in a way anyone who isn’t a dumb redneck just wouldn’t understand! In other words, he’s (still) a douchebag. And Minnesota Vikings fans still love him. You know, peanut butter and jelly.
Jared Allen Will No Longer Be Able To Rope Calves
Oct 7th
We’re going to take a break from telling you everyone on the Green Bay Packers is injured to deliver some good news. Minnesota Vikings defensive end/sheep fucker Jared Allen will no longer be able to perform the traditional version of his sack celebration. You know, the one where he drops to one knee and pretends [...]
Jared Allen Mauled By Dog
Jul 28th
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking — it’s too good to be true. Well, unfortunately, it is. Everyone’s least favorite hillbilly/sheepfucker Jared Allen was indeed mauled by a dog. On the negative side, he was wearing protective gear when the mauling occurred. Allen took part in a training exercise with while in Afghanistan on a [...]
Even Married, Jared Allen Still A Douche
Jul 7th
We told you full-time asshat, part-time Minnesota Vikings defensive end Jared Allen was getting married. Guess what? That obviously crazier-than-a-shithouse-rat bitch actually went through with it. So we all get to hear about Allen’s honeymoon, which was a camping trip to Arkansas stay on the coast of Italy. And just when you think Allen can’t [...]
Jared Allen No Longer A Dumbass With A Mullet, Just A Dumbass
May 26th
Minnesota Vikings’ defensive end/chief douchebag/animal fucker and all-around dumbass has cut his mullet. Allen, who still looks like a redneck thug who molests his sister, apparently cut the mullet because he’s getting married. That’s right, Jared Allen is getting married. When we found out Allen wasn’t getting married to his cousin, which is completely legal [...]
Stadium-Hungry Vikings Whore Out Jared Allen
Apr 23rd
The Minnesota Vikings are getting aggressive in their crusade for a new stadium. Team owner Zygi Wilf met privately Thursday with state lawmakers at St. Paul’s posh University Club to discuss possible stadium bills, while Jared Allen spent that evening being, well, Jared Allen. The defensive end/attention whore/douche bag has become something of a poster [...]
Don’t Mess With Jared Allen’s Girlfriend, Just Wear His Jersey When Committing Crimes
Apr 21st
You know how much we love Minnesota Vikings’ defensive end and dumbass redneck Jared Allen, so we really couldn’t resist bringing you the latest news from the Sax Machine. First, comes this video in which you’ll see Allen utter these words: “I’ll break your fucking neck homeboy … and then I’ll write a check to [...]
Jared Allen Wants More Favre Man Love
Feb 3rd
It’s not surprising that the Minnesota Vikings want quarterback Brett Favre back next season. Despite his soul crushing, game-ending NFC Championship game interception that made those of us in the Green Bay Packers camp giddy like a child on Christmas morning, Favre had a pretty nice year – a lot nicer year than Tarvaris Jackson [...]
Jared Allen Is Such A Clown!
Nov 12th
Ah, that Jared Allen. He’s such a clown! I just can’t get enough of him! [insert screech of needle violently scratching across a record]. Of course, we’re just kidding. Jared Allen is a douchebag. He plays for the Minnesota Vikings – the douchiest organization in the history of professional sports. His hillbilly antics are tired. [...]
Jared Allen: Even Bigger Douche Than We Thought
Oct 8th
Yeah, we know. Jared Allen can play football. He can also take douchebaggery to new heights, and he’s done it once again. We know about the mullet, we know about the red-neckery, we know about the nonsense that comes out of his mouth on a regular basis. In fact, we detailed this in our first [...]
Packers Weekend Video: Jared Allen
Jul 19th
Jared Allen, as with all members of the Minnesota Vikings, is a cunt. And typically, we use these Sundays before the NFL season begins to put the spotlight on a member of the Green Bay Packers. However, this Sunday is different because Total Packers now has it’s own YouTube channel. And so, since we haven’t [...]
Vikings vs. Packers: Who Sucked And Who Didn’t
Nov 10th
Every week the Green Bay Packers are starting to look more and more like a team that simply won’t live up to expectations. Yesterday, the Packers lost yet another close game to an inferior opponent, this time, 28-27 to the Minnesota Vikings. The Packers should be better than this. Maybe it’s time to accept that [...]
Packers, Vikings Game Quick Hits
Sep 9th
It was a wild opening weekend in the NFL and the much anticipated matchup between the Minnesota Vikings and Green Bay Packers did not disappoint, although it went differently than most of the media predicted. Behind the arm of Aaron Rodgers and the legs of Ryan Grant and Will Blackmon, the Packers prevailed, 24-19. Evil [...]
Get To Know A Viking: Jared Allen
Aug 27th
Apparently, to go from an 8-8 team to preseason Super Bowl favorite, all an NFL team needs to do is get themselves a redneck defensive end. That’s what the Minnesota Vikings did. They traded for the Kansas City Chiefs Jared Allen and almost instantly became the hands down favorite to win the NFC North and [...]
Packers Fans Have a New Viking To Hate – Jared Allen
Apr 23rd
It’s official. The Kansas City Chiefs have traded last year’s NFL sack leader Jared Allen to the Minnesota Vikings. Who gets what? First, Green Bay Packers fans get a villainous hillbilly to despise and curse on Sundays. Forget Chris Hovan, Jack Del Rio or any of the thugs who have donned the Vikings’ horns. Jared [...]
