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Chicago Bears

The Greatest Green Bay Packers Player Of All Time Is…

Charles Martin

After thousands of hours of research, Total Packers has selected the greatest Green Bay Packers player of all time. We used a very scientific formula, which was constructed over several years. Here is the result.

Jay Cutler’s Sore Vagina Doesn’t Know If Jay Cutler Can Make It

Jay Cutler

We know you’ll be astounded, but Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler already has a sore vagina. It isn’t expected to keep him out of Sunday’s contest with the Green Bay Packers, but it might make him sit out for the second half.

Chicago Bears: Brazen Or Stupid?

Robbie Gould

The Chicago Bears thumbed their nose at the NFL and their new kickoff rules on Saturday by simply refusing to follow them.

Vote! Best Caption For Carimi Portable John Photo

Gabe Carimi

We asked our readers to caption a photo of Chicago Bears tackle Gabe Carimi exiting the portable john at Bears training camp. Now you can vote for the best caption. Have at it!

NFC North: Lions’ Big Loss, Bears Still Idiots, Busted In Minnesota

Mikel Leshoure

You’ve got to love the NFC North. Outside of Green Bay, it’s populated with a bunch of idiots. The Chicago Bears are run by idiots. Minnesota Vikings players can’t stop getting arrested. In Detroit, they may not be stupid, but we’ll bet the hype died down a little bit today.

Please Help Us Caption This Photo

Gabe Carimi

Here, we’ve got Chicago Bears tackle Gabe Carimi in an odd situation. Sure, he’s a Wisconsin boy, but he swore off the Green Bay Packers when he was chosen by the Chicago Bears. It looks like they’ve turned him into a mouth breather.

NFC North: Free Agents, New Starters And Other Nonsense

Jay Cutler

The three teams competing for second place in the NFC North have been working real hard to take home that trophy this offseason. Here are the latest developments from Chicago, Minnesota and Detroit.

Hester To Bears: Sign Receiver Just Like Shitty Ones We Have

Devin Hester

Chicago Bears receiver Devin Hester suggested the team sign another receiver exactly like the shitty ones they already have — Washington Redskins free agent Santana Moss. GM Jerry Angelo just might be dumb enough to do it.

Jay Cutler’s Knee Fantastic, Vagina Still Hurts

Jay Cutler

We’re glad to know the get well card we sent to Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler after he stood around with a dumb look on his face for the second half of the NFC Championship game paid off. Cutler, who “sprained his knee” at the beginning of the third quarter, is back to playing football now that nothing at all is on the line.

Connecting The Dots: Chicago Bears Receivers

Terrell Owens

One of the problems the Chicago Bears have had in the Jay Cutler era, other than a terrible offensive line, is the lack of a top-flight, go-to receiver. It’s one of the reasons they’re the second-best team in the NFC North, despite what last year’s regular-season record and Brian Urlacher’s pea brain say.

And Now We’re Saving Chicago Bears Fans’ Lives

donor

Why are Green Bay Packers fans the best in the NFL? Because of shit like this. Suffering from Hepatitis C, the 55-year-old Chicago resident would have died had he not received a liver transplant at the University of Wisconsin Hospital in Madison on March 14, 2010. [Peter] Cashman later discovered that the donor was Amy […]

Urlacher: Bears Are Best In NFC

Brian Urlacher

We knew Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher was a meathead, but he might be dumber than we thought. He clearly doesn’t understand how the NFL playoffs work. Otherwise, how could he say something this stupid?

Jerry Angelo Makes Chicago Bears A Joke On Draft Day Again

Jerry Angelo

It’s taken me a while to get to this, but now it’s time to lay into the joke in the NFC North not named the Minnesota Vikings — the Chicago Bears. Actually, it’s not the Bears whole organization that’s a joke, it’s general manager Jerry Angelo, which should come as a surprise to no one. If you watched the first round of the 2011 NFL Draft, you saw Angelo’s ineptitude in action, although you probably couldn’t tell what was really going on.

Bears Will Target Cullen Jenkins

Cullen Jenkins

The Chicago Bears will target Green Bay Packers defensive end Cullen Jenkins whenever free agency begins, according to John Mullin of CSN Chicago. The Bears are looking to improve their defensive line and after re-signing defensive tackle Anthony Adams, Jenkins will be the team’s second priority.

In Chicago, It’s A Good Idea To Let Devin Hester Be A Writer

Devin Hester

Man, I don’t even know where to begin. As someone who can actually string a comprehensible sentence together, I’m offended. There’s a magazine called Chicago Parent and someone there decided it would be a good idea to give Chicago Bears returner Devin Hester a column in said magazine. Hester’s first column just came out and… […]

Create Your Own Chicago Bears License Plate!

Chicago Bears license plate

The gods have smiled on us today, friends! The state of Illinois has introduced Chicago Bears license plates so people from Illinois can be even more obnoxious and look even dumber while they’re trashing the fine state of Wisconsin this summer. That’s not the great part, though. The great part is, you can go online […]

Lovie Smith: Still An Idiot

Lovie Smith

After Chicago Bears coach Lovie Smith led his team to the NFC North title and NFC Championship game last season, I began to develop some respect for him. Since then, he’s done nothing but prove my initial feeling about him correct. He’s a complete idiot.

Iron Mike Cuts A Rug!

They were even dumber in Chicago in the 1980s. If you remember the idiots who wrote the song about Chicago Bears return man Devin Hester, and you thought it couldn’t get any worse, you were sadly mistaken. Today, we bring you this gem, which is obviously from the ’80s and features former Bears coach Mike Ditka doing, among other things, tearing up the dance floor, playing foosball by himself and carrying a clipboard around the club.

Would The Real Jay Cutler Please Stand Up?

Jay Cutler

I’m not clever enough to write an entire article referencing Eminem’s popular song in witty sorts of ways, nor would I want any of you to think I’m a fan of his. So, the analogies cease here and onto the real question: does anyone else find it hilarious that Jay Cutler’s namesake is this meathead? […]

Lovie Smith Gets His Extension, Talks Up Cutler

Lovie Smith

The Chicago Bears have given coach Lovie Smith a two-year contract extension.

Smith, who was entering the final year of a four-year contract, made $5.5 million under his old deal, making him one of the highest-paid coaches in the NFL. Assuming he didn’t take a pay cut, Smith makes slightly more than Green Bay Packers coach Mike McCarthy, who recently signed an extension paying him an average of $5 million a year.