The NFL owners meetings are going on this week in Florida and more than just owners show up to these things. For example, Big Ted is there pontificating about his superior free agent strategy. Ginger Gap Tooth is there defending Big Ted and looking like Alfred E. Neuman. Fat Mike is also there, taking pictures and eating pies and other select desserts.
That’s right, the annual NFL coaches photo was taken on Monday and you know what? Fat Mike needs another chair.
Do you know why? Because he’s fucking fat.
He’s so fucking fat, he can’t sit shoulder to shoulder with the guys beside him. He has to lean forward slightly so his fat shoulders are in front of the shoulders on each side.
That fat motherfucker literally needs a second chair to fit in there.
The guys next to him — Bengals coach Marvin Lewis and Anthony Bourdain (who knew he got an NFL coaching job?) — are sitting there like, “You’re crowdin’ me, Fat Mike!”
Part of the issue here is the person taking the photo wasn’t like, “Yo, Fat Mike, go stand in the back where your fat isn’t oozing over onto the next guy. Stand next to that hipster dipshit Arians. You won’t look quite as fat and he won’t look quite as stupid!”
The only thing that was saving Fat Mike on this day, other than hiding in the back, would have been the presence of Fat Andy. Unfortunately, Andy Reid is having some sort of surgery — probably to dislodge an entire rump roast from his esophagus — and he isn’t at the owners meetings.
Eddie Lacy is currently en route to hold a press conference where he publicly tells Fat Mike to lose some goddam weight.