Here We Learn What Jay Cutler is Like in the Sack

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80s Jay Cutler

80s Jay Cutler

Meanwhile, we thought we should check in on the continuing adventures of Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler. You know… Cutty!

What is old Cutty! up to this spring, other than not caring about anything, you ask? His usual zany hijinks of course!

Cutty!’s horse-faced wife Kristin Cavallari — or Kristin Cutty!, if you like — has given us the insight into what The Cutster is like in the sack that we’ve always wanted.

Old Hang Dog isn’t real fond of banging his pregnant wife, it seems. It’s not because she’s fat, mind you. It’s because he’s weirded out that his demon spawn is hanging about while he’s performing the old in-out.

“Sex is funny when you’re pregnant. Guys get weird about it,” Cavallari tells Fit Pregnancy‘s April/May issue.

“I’m like, ‘Oh Jay, the baby’s kicking!’ And he’s like, not wanting to know about it.”

Say it with me… Cutty! DOOOOOON’T CAAAAARE!

Here’s a question. Who makes small talk during sex? Obviously people who are enjoying themselves immensely.

“Hey, could you pass the Doritos?”

About The Author

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.

10 Comments on "Here We Learn What Jay Cutler is Like in the Sack"

  1. Bears still suck

    They really really really really suck. The Bears still suck

    I hope Cutty Sack continues to play for Chicago 8 more years. He needs to have lots of sins, too so they can all grow up and play for the Bears

    I need to go wash thoughts of Cutty SACK and horse face having sex out of my memory by rewatching Rodgers to Cobb.

  2. I am very glad that Cutty! is the Bears! QB, whereas AR is ours. Just as I am glad that the Viqueens don’t even have a QB, whereas we do – one of the best! I don’t even care that the Lions have an OK QB, since I sincerely doubt he will ever take them to a Superbowl, which means Detroit is once again going nowhere.

  3. Cheese

    I came here for football articles. Instead I get to hear about Cutlers sex habits with his flat booty girlfriend. Fuck you offseason.

  4. Savage57

    Start with that face, then add the mental flatline, ‘I’m like, so he’s like, and I go, like” fucking drivel that comes out of her pie hole, and there’s only one option.

    Eat that pillow, bitch.

    • E. Wolf

      Savage, I actually laughted out loud at that.
      WHat you refer to is called “Valspeak.” Oxford Dictionary has a very concise but amusing definition of that term.
      I would prefer the use of a ballgag myself.
      This woman represents the very worst of American women as well as our cultural bankruptcy.

  5. Nacho Libre

    Let’s hope Cuntler plays for Duh Bears ’til he’s 40! Like BZ said about Detroit having an ok QB but won’t take his team to a Super Bowl, as for the Queens well, word around the camp fire is they might land Johnny Manziel…

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