Evan Dietrich-Smith

In past years, we called this the Clusterfuck Update because that’s what free agency is. A goddam clusterfuck. Don’t get us wrong, it still is. However, we’re tailoring back on what we’re going to give a shit about this year. This is free agency news as it pertains to you, Green Bay Packers fan.

Nothing else.

So for example, tackle Brandon Albert signed with the Dolphins. Who gives a shit?! The Dolphins will make the playoffs when Tom Brady’s wife stops being hot and that’s a long time from now! Also, they play in the AFC. They’re totally inconsequential! Anyway, we won’t bore you with anymore crap about teams like the Dolphins or Cleveland Browns because, let’s be honest. Their own fans don’t even care about those pile of crap teams.

Packers free agents

Center Evan Dietrich-Smith did not quickly sign with the New York Giants as some mid-level mobster who works for the Daily News predicted he would. Instead, EDS is heading down to Tampa Bay for a visit. Those shitbags have one of the worst lines in the NFL, so they’re probably going to throw a lot of money at him.

Tight end Jermichael Finley is heading to Seattle to take a physical. Finley is going to need to be cleared before he gets into any sort of contract negotiations, but it would really suck if he signed with the Seahawks. The rich get richer if that happens.

Over in Detroit, the receiver-poor (minus one, Megatron) Lions are rumored to be extremely interested in James Jones. The receiver-poor New York Jets are also showing interest. No word on any planned visits yet, though.

NFC North

Defensive end Michael Bennett was supposed to sign with the Chicago Bears. Instead, he took less money to remain with Seattle. Hahahahaha. He must want to, you know, win. So the Bears went out and signed Raiders defensive end Lamarr Houston. They gave him a five-year, $35 million deal. The Packers were supposedly interested in Houston, but we have our doubts how serious that interest was.

After signing Houston, the Bears promptly axed Julius Peppers.

The Bears also filled one of their holes at safety with the Giants’ Ryan Mundy. He got a two-year deal. Mundy started nine games in 2013 and recorded 70 tackles and one pick. Impressive signing, Chicago.

The Minnesota Vikings gave New York Giants defensive tackle Linval Joseph at five year deal for $31 million. Who is Linval Joseph? Who cares. He plays for the Vikings.

Guys the Packers were “interested” in

Yes, the Packers occasionally express interest in someone else’s free agents. That interest usually turns into nothing because the Packers refuse to pay market value for anyone originating from another team.

The Indianapolis Colts signed Baltimore defensive end Arthur Jones. He got a five-year deal worth more than $30 million. The Packers actually appeared to be sniffing around this guy for a while. Up until Tuesday, in fact. They dropped out as the price tag began to approach $7 million annually.

Although they didn’t show any interest, a couple safeties the Packers could have used are on the move. Cleveland’s T.J. Ward signed with Denver almost immediately after the signing period opened.

Meanwhile, the top prize, Buffalo’s Jairus Byrd, has signed a six-year deal with New Orleans. How the hell the Saints signed Byrd we have no idea. They had very little cap space available.

Lastly, for now, the Dallas Cowboys cut defensive end/linebacker DeMarcus Ware this morning. He has 117 career sacks. Just sayin’.

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