Colts owner Jim Irsay

We normally don’t pay any attention to the Indianapolis Colts, but they’re the only NFL game on television at the moment so we kind of have to. If you haven’t noticed, they’ve gone and stolen the Green Bay Packers touchdown song.

That would be Todd Rundgren’s Bang the Drum All Day.

The Packers have been playing the song after touchdowns since 1985. The Colts, it seems, have just adopted it for the same purposes.

Why?

Because they’re a dogshit franchise. Let us count the ways.

  1. The Colts left Baltimore and years and years of tradition… in the middle of the night, no less.
  2. Their ring of honor is such a joke that Jim Harbaugh is in it. Yeah, Jim Fucking Harbaugh — owner of zero 3,000-yard passing seasons.
  3. Their current owner, Jim Irsay, is known more for being a Twitter celebrity than anything else. His daddy handed him the franchise.
  4. One championship. And they beat a Bears team led by Rex Grossman to get it.
  5. They released Peyton Manning, who just set an NFL record with 55 touchdown passes in a season.
  6. They traded their first-round pick for Trent Richardson earlier this season. He finished the season with 458 yards, while averaging 2.9 per carry.
  7. Erik Walden starts for them.
  8. Former receiver Marvin Harrison probably shot someone.
  9. They went 1-15 in 1991.
  10. Their mascot is a fucking horse and not even a full-grown one. A baby fucking horse.
  11. Quick, name me who the Colts rivals are. The Houston Texans?
  12. Robert Irsay, the dick who moved the Colts from Baltimore, actually had to replace his son, Jim, as general manager of the team in 1994 because he was so inept.

I could go on.

This is not a slight against Colts fans or the city of Indianapolis. Great city. Decent fans.

But fuck the Colts as an organization. Pretend all you want. You’ll never be the Green Bay Packers.