Packers-Vikings tailgate

This week blows. No Green Bay Packers football. What are you going to do? Well, we’ve got some sure-fire solutions for you to pass the time during this pointless, boring-ass week.

Here are the top 10 things to do during the Green Bay Packers bye week.

10. Watch that replay of Super Bowl XLV on ESPN.
A week or so ago, ESPN showed an hour-and-a-half special on Super Bowl XLV. It showed key plays from the game, had players mic’d up and also had interviews with members of the Packers and Steelers. The Pittsburgh defenders were all pretty much marveling at how good Aaron Rodgers was, which will make you forget about the turd he laid last week. We saved this on our DVR and I couldn’t tell you when it’s going to air again, but I’m sure if you search through your ESPN and ESPN2 listings, you’ll find it somewhere. Record it and save it for weeks like this.

9. Watch baseball.
I’m kidding. Is that stupid fucking season over with yet?

8. Enjoy the outdoors.
If you live east of where I do, then it’s probably about to get really fucking cold. I shudder to think about it. The NFL kind of did you a favor when they put the Packers bye in week four. You can probably still enjoy some outdoor activities without dressing like an Eskimo or wanting to kill yourself. Take advantage.

7. Watch the Saints and the Dolphins on Monday night.
Man, there are some crappy matchups this week. How about Washington and Oakland? Tremendous! The Jets and Tennessee? Awesome! Arizona and Tampa Bay? Stupendous! Baltimore and Buffalo? Enthralling! Indianapolis and Jacksonville? Sure to be super competitive! Yup, the NFL dropped their biggest slate of shit games in week four and then they took away the Packers. They’re punishing us. The one truly great game is Monday night — 3-0 Saints, 3-0 Dolphins. You can pretty much take Sunday off and not miss a thing.

6. Take Sunday off.
If you’re a dude who doesn’t live in Wisconsin, then there’s a good chance your old lady doesn’t care about football. Well, Sunday is where you make up for the other 20 weeks of the football season when you’re not paying attention to her. You take her out… to somewhere other than a sports bar. That will make her happy and your life easier. And if you’re a woman, well, your dude won’t be jumping out of bed for the early game, so… morning sex!

5. Alright, if you do need to watch something on Sunday, watch the Vikings and Steelers.
This should be a comedy of errors. Both teams are 0-3 and wouldn’t it be delicious if the shitbag Vikings started 0-4? Oh, and they’re playing in London, so you can also observe how little Londoners care about American football. But really, the Vikings might start Matt Cassell at quarterback. The Steelers are getting running back Le’Veon Bell back. There’s a good chance the Vikings will be 0-4 and outside of a Packers victory, there’s nothing better than Vikings misery.

4. Masturbate.
Do I really need to explain? Also, watch porn. It’s a decent substitute for football.

3. Stretch your hamstrings.
This goes double if you live in Green Bay. Clay Matthews, Casey Hayward, John Kuhn, Jarrett Bush, Morgan Burnett and probably 17 other guys I’m forgetting have hamstring injuries. You don’t want to be next!

2. Get blindingly drunk.
Shit, you don’t have to get up for anything on Sunday. Why not go out on Saturday night and make some awful decisions? Hell, why even wait until nighttime? Start drinking during the day! You can literally sleep until Monday morning!

1. Tailgate.
Who are we kidding? Packers fans don’t take a week off even when the team does. So why not pretend it’s game day anyway? Go park on some random lawn around Lambeau Field, fire up the grill and start getting shitfaced at 10 a.m. Just make sure you’re carrying one of those big grill forks to ward off the unwelcome incursion of the homeowner and police. It is, after all, your god given right to be a Green Bay Packers fan 365 days a year!

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