Matt Flynn

Jesus Christ. It’s only day two of free agency and I’m already exhausted.

So many stupid teams, so little stupid time. Fortunately, we have some news about the Green Bay Packers‘ free agents today. Let’s get to it!

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Center Scott Wells‘ name didn’t come up yesterday, but it came up today. Wells visited the Tennessee Titans, who are all about centers this offseason. In addition to Wells, they’ve also reportedly contacted the guy the Packers seem to view as Wells’ replacement, Houston free agent Chris Myers. Myers is set to arrive in Nashville on Thursday, which is a sign the Titans weren’t all that enamored with Wells. If a team likes a free agent, the goal is to not let him leave town without a contract. There’s no indication the Titans offered Wells anything.

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The Matt Flynn Victory Tour has begun! Flynn is headed to Seattle on Thursday, but Miami also wants a shot. The Dolphins are reportedly in negotiations with Aaron Rodgers‘ soon-to-be-former backup. In addition, the Browns appear to be back in the picture. Yesterday they weren’t signing Flynn, today they want to. So much for journalism in Cleveland.

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They franchised him, so this was more or less a foregone conclusion, but the Eagles inked receiver DeSean Jackson. The mercurial one got $51 million over five years. Now, if the Eagles can just go out and sign every name free agent on the market, we’re pretty sure they’ll have a recipe for success.

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The New York Giants, who didn’t need a tight end to beat the Packers in the playoffs, now have one. They signed Martellus Bennett away from NFC East rival Dallas. Bennett is one of those potential guys. He has the tools, but he didn’t get many opportunities sitting behind Jason Witten in Dallas. He’s a huge target (6-6, 270) for Eli, he came cheap (one year, $2.5 million) and more importantly, he once wrote a column about how black people love fried chicken. It’s brilliant stuff. Literary genius, in fact.

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Another brilliant move by the Bears! They signed Eric Weems, a kick returner, to a three-year deal. Hell, the Bears don’t have any kick returners. Great move!

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The Lions made perhaps the most significant move of the day by signing receiver Calvin Johnson to an extension. Johnson got seven years and $132 million from the Leos, with $60 million guaranteed. You read that right — $60 f’ing million! We were going to ask why someone would actually sign a deal to stay in a place like Detroit, but we have our answer.

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Down in Tampa, the Bucs made another significant move, signing guard Carl Nicks to a five-year deal worth $47.5 million. Nicks, who the Bucs stole from division rival New Orleans, was the best offensive lineman on the market.

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We had forgotten about the Dallas Cowboys. Normally, the best GM in football, Jerry Jones, would have done something stupid by this time. Actually, let’s be honest, he wouldn’t have just done something stupid. He would have done something stupid on a grandiose Texas-style scale the way only Jerry Jones could have done something stupid. Well, here’s a surprise, the Cowpies actually made what looks like a good signing — they nabbed free agent quarterback Kyle Orton, a.k.a. The Neck Beard, for three years. You best be looking over your shoulder Tony Romo and you best be looking for a neck beard.

Of course, as soon as Jones makes a nice move, he does what we all expected. The Cowboys signed cornerback Brandon Carr for $50.1 million over five years. Carr was one of the top two corners in a weak cornerback market and Dallas needed one, but they’re now paying a dude with eight career interceptions $10 million a year. Here’s who the Cowboys secondary scared yesterday: no one. Here’s who they scare today: no one.

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Alas! The Minnesota Vikings — the asshole of the NFL — have a signing in the books! The Queens scored the major coup of landing tight end John Carlson. JC, as his boy-bandmates call him, used to play with Seattle and his first two years in the league were decent. Then, in 2010 he only recorded 318 yards and one touchdown. Last season, he sat out with an injury. The important thing here is he grew up in Minnesota, so he’s someone the locals can look up to who isn’t a rapist. Oh, and his deal was for five years and $25 mil.

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We’ll update as more glorious free agent news happens.

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