Five Questions With Purple Jesus Diaries

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Vikings cheerleaders

Did anyone know the Vikings had cheerleaders?

As a primer for Minnesota Vikings week we asked some cunts from Minnesota a few questions about their shitty team. Here are five questions with Purple Jesus Diaries.

TP: Good job on that Donovan McNabb signing. We assume the rationale went something like this — “Hey, so let’s go get ourselves a quarterback who’s washed up and got benched in favor of Rex Grossman last season. I think he probably just needs a change of scenery. I think Donovan McNabb is the answer.” I mean, I know you’re a bunch of dipshits, but did anyone in your backwards-ass state really think that was going to work? And I’d again I’d like to point out he got benched so Rex Grossman could take over. REX FUCKING GROSSMAN!

PJD: Oh, that same shitty Rex Grossman player that had a 3-1 record as a starter in Chicago against the Packers? Yeah, I guess we thought that if that stupid fuck could beat you then his dumbass backup could steal at least one game from the Packers too. I don’t know if the team thought it was going to work, per se, but maybe not suck nearly as bad as it has. And, from a general NFL fan perspective, this whole Donovan thing is just weird, man. He had an 80 percent completion rate last week against the Bears, the same week the team got curb stomped. McNabb is/was certainly a problem, but for anyone to think he’s THE problem on this super fun Vikings team is way off base. Also, he’s fat and we hate fat people in Minnesota, hence the hatred for Wisconsin fans!

TP: It’s kind of a comedy of errors over there, which, let me tell you, we’re really enjoying. So you sign the dude who was determined to be inferior to Rex Grossman and totally reach for Christian Ponder in the draft. I don’t know what geniuses are making these decisions, but you know you could have picked him in the third round, right? Have you already deluded yourself into believing this was a great pick and Ponder is the second coming, or are you going to wait until he manages to win five games in a season?

PJD: Picked him in the third round? Uh, no. We could have had Ryan Mallett in the third round, maybe, which would still have been infinitely better, but before that the rest of the viable QBs in the draft class were gone by pick four in the second round with Colin Kapernick, who, whatever. I’d rather be stuck with Ponder. I don’t think anyone thinks he’s the second coming of a straight Aaron Rodgers, but he also doesn’t look like Don Majkowski. The truth is, shit is so bad over here that as long as he completes a slant pass chances are we’ll be happy. If he pulls five wins out of his ass it will be a miracle.

TP: How does it feel to never have won a Lombardi Trophy? I only ask because I have no idea. That reminds me — gotta polish those.

PJD: Oh my god! I don’t think I’ve ever heard a trophy joke before! Holy shit, did you just make that up?! Wow… Packers fans: innovators and pedophiles! That should be your new slogan.

TP: Alright, so you’re starting Ponder at quarterback, which will probably work out really well, we know AP is a beast and we know that dumb hillbilly can rush the passer. Other than that, we really have no idea who the hell even plays for your shitty team. Is there anyone other than the people I named who can make an impact on this game or is Ragnar getting reps these days?

PJD: I would hope they put Viktor the Viking in before Ragnar. That guy is a douche. I would be worried a little bit about Percy Harvin. I don’t know why Packers fans seem to forget about him. He torched three of your retarded defensive backs when Favre came back and blew his load all over your faces in 2009. And he’s just getting better. Of course, Harvin doesn’t matter as much if the Vikings don’t have a QB who can even get him the ball, but you still have to know where he’s at in the case of end arounds and reverses. Literally, beyond him, I wouldn’t worry about anyone else. I would maybe add the punter Kluwe because he’s the only other person on this team not completely insufferable.

TP: Lastly, we have a three-part question and, as a reminder, three is the number that comes after two. First, how many points are we going to win by? Hypothetically, if we only played our third string, how many points would we win by? What sort of anomaly would need to occur for the Vikings to win on Sunday?

PJD: Oh, I thought three was how much it cost to get a hand job from your mom? 1. I think I saw you guys were only favored by 7, which just baffles me. If you don’t win by at least … 21? 24 points? … I’d say you had a pretty bad day as a team. 2. With third stringers in, you’d win by -2. 3. The only way the Vikings can win is if Aaron Rodgers gets hurt, your backup quarterback doesn’t have arms to throw the ball down field, and you chose to have that brilliant “Soar Eagle” ex-Boston College defensive tackle B.J. Raji put in at running back for the entire game. I’d feel pretty confident that the Vikings would be able to score more points than your team, but it’d still be a nail biter.

Purple Jesus Diaries is a Minnesota Vikings blog where fans of the team who hate the players and themselves come to talk shit and make fun of other teams’ fans and players, especially inbred hicks like the Packers. Milwaukee is your largest city? How French-Canadian of you! Let’s also get this insult out of the way: “Stupid Viking fan! You can’t talk shit until you and your worthless team wins a Super Bowl or FIVE!” I don’t give a shit, you shirtless fatwad. I didn’t know we were counting the football championships won by gay quarterbacks and against the YWCA in 1892. If that’s the case, congrats! You’re so much better! Also, no one gives a shit. Until you have more Super Bowl wins than the Stillers, you’ll always be second best. Or something. I don’t even care.

Check out their interview with us here.

About The Author

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.

21 Comments on "Five Questions With Purple Jesus Diaries"

  1. Lockout2011

    So you live in la but write a green bay blog? How’s that work? Kinda lose touch with the fan base no? Either way I don’t understand the strong hated of the Vikings. It’s like beating up a crippled kid to prove your tough, what does it prove. Is it the Favre thing? No one was comfortable with that. Least the Vikings don’t have to let him in their circle jerk of fame. Have fun with that!

    • Jurgens

      You’re allowed to move to other states and still cheer for your team. Not sure what point you were trying to make there. There are lots of Packer fans in LA. Vikings… not so much.

      Also – you made the crippled kid analogy on the other blog’s comment section already.

  2. Hendecahedron

    Wait, who the hell are the Stillers? I know the Steelers because the Packers beat the shit out of them in Super Bowl XLV, but the Stillers? And this guy saying he doesn’t care about the SB wins while his team has none, is like saying he doesn’t care about having a lump on his dick: it hurts him, he knows is there, but he tries to will it away…

    • PJD

      Uh, the lump on my dick offers extra stimulation to a female vagina. I guess I’m not surprised a Packer fan doesn’t understand the benefit of something like that.


    Anyone else gonna kinda miss the Vikings when they finally close up shop, evacuate the Humpty Dome and load the wagons for a long voyage west to the Golden State? It’s gonna be pretty bitter-sweet, and of course all those clowns in Minnesota are going to don cheese heads the second they leave, tainting the glorious Packer fan community.

    Fuck Minnesota and the Vikings suck dicks. All of the dicks. A million dicks per second.

  4. RodgerDat

    LMAO, talkin about A-Rod being gay. Oh man, ENVY… It must tear up ur insides im sure.

    1st being envious that our team has the greatest quarterback to ever play the game.

    and 2nd, envious of the multitude of high quality pussy that my man Rodgers gets on a regular basis.

    Those 1000 lakes must be fuckin filled with mercury and fluoride or something. Idiocy like that is rare to find.

    Hilarious how Vikings fans go from the biggest shit talkers ever, to the best excuse makers ever. It’s actually kind of sad, but don’t worry…

    We’ll be laughing all the way to INDIANAPOLIS MOTHERFUCKERS!!!


    • PJD

      We all know Aaron Rodgers lives with a random guy in Green Bay, right? He most certainly is not pulling in any pussy. I’m sure you get more pussy than him, and yes, we’re counting the sheep fucking you do.

  5. Buddymobile

    Milwaukee has a larger population than Minneapolis. Since Minneapolis is the biggest city in Minnesota, Wisconsin has the bigger city. Either way outside of the twin cities people fuck goats, thier sisters and cardboard cutouts of Fran Tarkenton. If you are 20 miles or more from the cities and are driving a Toyota people look at you like you’re in a space ship. Therefore the state of Minnesota is full of imbred pieces of shit. Fuck you Minnesota, I despise you all!

  6. Buddymobile

    Lockout 2011… We hate Viking fans because they are a rival you dumb fuck! Maybe if you made it past the 5th grade you would know that. If you have ever traveled outside your faggot city you would realize that people are dumb hicks that chew and go “huh-in” I hate living in Minnesota, stupid fat fucks!

  7. Lockout2011

    Hey buddy. I live in Wisconsin you dick smoking inbred fat cheese filled vaginal stain. I understand what rivals are. It still doesn’t make sense. What specifics make the rivals? Distance? Location? You response to my question was “because there’s rivals.” That’s like defining a word by using the same word in the definition. And speaking of hunting, which I don’t do, what the most popular color at packers games? Oh, it’s blaze orange and camo! So who’s the dip using hick idiots now? You’re referring to your own fans! Lol nice point. also Wisconsin is the fattest state per capita in the us. So…wrong again dip shit

    • Harry Hood

      They’re soooo mad! HAAA!

      Glad my teams doesn’t suck so much that I have to go post on someone elses blog.

  8. Lockout2011

    And to jurgens, yes there are probably more packers fans in la right now, it’s called a bandwagon which most if not all if you are likely on. It’s easy to “newly root” for a team fresh off a super bowl. I was simply making the point that it’s hard for the packers blog guy to comnent on green bay and Minnesota residents because he’s very far away. It’s a disconnected argument that loses its point when you look at the situation. Kind of like writing about the middle easy from new jersey, you’re not there do you have no insight or validity. You just have an opinion, and every asshole has one of those

  9. iltarion

    The Packers are favored by 9.5.

    It is always amazing to me that the Vikings still have fans. I mean, what is it like knowing your team will always fold in the biggest moment? But I guess there are a lot of sadomasochists out there.

    The funny thing about people bringing up the Steelers is that the Steelers have been in the NFL since 1933. That means the Packers only won 3 of their championships before the Steelers entered the league. The other 10 championships the Steelers had the same chance to win as the Packers.

    The Packers were undefeated to win the NFL Championship in 1929. The NY Giants were 13-1 and didn’t win it. The Packers last year lost 6 games and still won the title thanks to today’s playoff rules. In other words, it was more difficult to win the title back then than it is to win a Super Bowl now.

  10. Yup

    Not sure if anyone was aware yet, but Vikings cb Chris Cook is going to miss the game. He’s in jail being held for felony domestic assault/strangulation charges. Hope the victim is ok, and that she finds a better man.

  11. Buddymobile

    Why does this Lockout fag keep talking about grammar and spelling? I’m guessing this asshole is blowing a 300 pound dude while typing on his pink bedazzled phone. Maybe he should go back to purple jackass dickholes and cry. I hope the Queens lose 56 to 0.

  12. Landfill

    I will relish the day a Packer fan can make a point without using crude, teenage-based humor. It simply shows a lack of intelligence but I’ve come to expect nothing less. That being said, I have to admit tomorrow is going to get ugly, quick.

    • Harry Hood

      Hey thanks for giving our once great quarterback 29 some million dollars.

      Also, why do you keep signing our players if you hate us so much?

      • PJD

        Also, to be fair, I love teenage-based humor, largely because it seems to annoy Packer fans so much.


  13. Buddymobile

    Facts for fuckfaces like Lockout2011
    Texas is the fattest state in the union.
    Minneapolis has the most faggots in the U.S.
    Any state south of the mason dixon line has TRUE rednecks, midwesterners are just overzealous outdoorsmen
    Minnesota has the worst fanbase on the planet.
    Wisconsin is known for it’s beer and cheese production.
    Minnesota is known for spam and 10,000 complete pricks (Minnesota nice is a myth)
    Green Bay wears green (seems like a manly color)
    Minnesota wears purple (purple is for women only, just ask them)
    Green Bay has a 4-1 Superbowl record.
    Minnesota has an 0-4 Superbowl record.
    Minnesota and Chicago are division rivals of Green Bay because they are competative from time to time. So why not hate?( Detroit is becoming competative)
    Green Bay fans bitch about not winning by enough points.
    Minnesota fans bitch because the refs screwed them/ were paid off.
    Green Bay fans hate Minnesota fans because they can’t acknowledge success of other teams.
    Minnesota fans hate Green Bay fans because they’ve won 4 superbowls.
    Minnesota is just as rural as Wisconsin is, just go to Delano if you don’t believe me.
    Green Bay fans boast about thier team’s accomplishments.
    Minnesota brags about what thier team will do this year/ week.
    Badgers will eat Gophers, right? That’s what I thought.
    Green Bay has Lambeau field!
    Minnesota has the Metrodome:-(
    The day these assface Minnesotans shut the fuck up will be the day I may consider liking them. Until then they can all go to hell.

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