Are Packers Oblivious To The Threat Growing in Minnesota?

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Michael Jenkins


I love Bleacher Report… when I need a laugh.

I mean, no offense, but most of the items published there insult my intelligence. No, you don’t have to end every headline with a question mark. No, you don’t have to refer to yourself in the third person, unless your name is Jimmy. Yes, you can use spellcheck or even let someone give your work a proofread.

Anyway, all of us at Total Packers were in a Bleacher Zone-free world until this dynamic piece of work popped up in our Green Bay Packers news feed: Are the Green Bay Packers Oblivious to the Threat Growing in Minnesota?

Before looking at the source, I clicked on the link. I thought, “What? Really? The growing threat in Minnesota? Is a fucking hurricane inexplicably developing over land around the Twin Cities?”

It turns out, we had a Bleacher Report post written by a [intlink id=”35″ type=”category”]Minnesota Vikings[/intlink] fan on our hands.

I can’t even explain. I’m certain this what you get when dumb and insecure make a baby, though.

Here’s the annotated version.

Are the Green Bay Packers Oblivious to the Threat Growing in Minnesota?

The Minnesota Vikings and the Green Bay Packers have had polar opposite approaches to winning the Super Bowl these past five years.

Uhhh… the Vikings haven’t won a Super Bowl in the past five years.

Green Bay decided to keep its own free agents and sign undrafted and drafted agents alike to build up their Super Bowl team. The only two exceptions to this philosophy of team building were the signings of Charles Woodson and Ryan Pickett.

The Minnesota Vikings poured all their eggs into one basket by reaching Brett Favre at a time when they had players like Adrian Peterson and Jared Allen playing in their prime.

Everything was clicking right for the Vikings in 2009, but everything collapsed in 2010.

Have you ever heard about the scorpion and the frog? Oh wait, I don’t need to tell you about that. Favre has always been and always will be a Minnesota Viking from what I hear. You already know what he does in the playoffs!

With free agents like Sidney Rice, Brett Favre and Ray Edwards leaving the team, it’s easy to believe that this “one and done deal” for the Vikings is over and that they won’t emerge again for a while.

Yet somehow, they’re managing to slowly but surely put some pieces back together.

If by “pieces” you mean retreads and castoffs, then yes. The Vikings are absolutely putting some pieces back together, folks! Fear not!

For starters, they have a new head coach in Leslie Frazier, which any Minnesota Viking fan is happy to take over Brad Childress.

Yeah, but he was a pedophile, so…

They’ve drafted a first-round quarterback in Christian Ponder and possess a one-game wonder in Joe Webb. But neither will be the starter this year.

That’s actually a nice use of grammar there. The Vikings absolutely drafted a first-round quarterback. No one can argue because, hell, he was drafted in the first round! I wonder if he was a first-round talent, though? Hmmm…

Donovan McNabb has been traded to the Vikings, and he has no intention of being a back-up of any sort. And neither does the Vikings’ organization.

Well, just because the organization doesn’t have any intention of being a backup, doesn’t mean they won’t be. The skilled kids usually get picked first and then the cool kids and so forth.

The way this author sees it, Donovan McNabb just had a really bad year last year, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see him make a comeback.

You’re right, players usually get better with age. It’s like dating. I always ask myself, What would I rather have? A spry, young girl with a tight body whose pussy turns into sunshine when she throws it into the air or Donovan McNabb? Clearly, this is why I’m dating Donovan McNabb.

The Minnesota Vikings have acquired free agent wide receiver Michael Jenkins of the Atlanta Falcons and wide receiver Devin Aromashudo of the Chicago Bears.

Michael Jenkins never really dazzled in Atlanta, but he was certainly a contributor. Devin Aromashodu never got along with offensive coordinator Mike Martz, and for that reason, Chicago never re-signed him.

For those of you who don’t know, Aromashudo began to break out late in the 2009 season, and some have speculated that he’s one of the receivers that is bound to have a break-out year.

With those two, combined with Visanthe Shiancoe, Percy Harvin and Bernard Berrian, you have to admit that this receiving corps suddenly looks like it has potential again. Maybe even a lot of potential.

Do I have to admit that? Did I sign something? Where the hell is my lawyer?

And who can forget No. 28, Adrian Peterson?

Ugh. Who can forget that donkey show we saw in Tijuana? That’s what I want to know!

Adrian is now full-package, real deal with the fumbling problem now long gone. Not only does this guy have all the explosiveness in the world, but even though he’s been playing the NFL for as long as he has, he’s still only 26 years old, which is plenty young enough for any running back.

Toby Gerhart will have another year of experience under him, so from this, one has to conclude that Minnesota’s run game could be one of the best in the league next year.

I predict 2,000 yards rushing for both of them. No one can stop these guys, especially with threats like McNabb throwing the ball and Jenkins catching it!

Their defense has taken a toll back however with the aging Pat Williams (who insists he’s not coming back anyway), and the same goes for Kevin Williams, E.J. Henderson and Antoine Winfield. Jared Allen isn’t that old, but he’s likely about to enter the twilight of his career.

I’m sorry. A toll back? I mean, I can’t really get into the completely spot-on stuff you’re saying until I figure out what “a toll back” means. If I understand correctly, you’re calling everyone on the Vikings defense a vagina? That’s not cool!

The way their defense will perform next year is completely up in the air right now, but even Packer fans have to admit that their offense is stirring up some potential players, and it’s looking like their offense is re-building faster than anyone previously thought it would.

I’ll tell you what I have to admit. Oh, that reminds me… true story. So, I found this big staff on the side of the road. That same night Gandalf came to me in a dream and said, “Stir the pot, son! You will come up with the potential players you need!” So the next day, I took this huge crap — even by my standards — and I stuck the staff in and stirred. It kind of made one of my turds look like McNabb, but I was also pretty damn hungover.

Their special teams still has solid kicker Ryan Longwell, who just signed a three-year contract with the Vikings, and still possess kick returner Percy Harvin.

This author has to admit that while overall the Minnesota Vikings aren’t the team they looked like on paper back in 09, they’re making leaps that make them look much better than they were in 2010.

I still possess a big, swingin’ dick and it’s getting fitted for a Super Bowl XLV ring later this week, but that’s neither here nor there. Oh, I’m sorry. You’re mother/sister asked me not to tell you about that. I apologize.

This offseason isn’t even finished yet, and the Minnesota Vikings have enough time to keep adding more pieces.

All this author is saying is that while we shouldn’t fear or even expect an upset from the Minnesota Vikings next season, one could argue that the Packers shouldn’t have lost any of the games they lost last season.

We could argue that Hitler was a better leader than Mussolini, but we won’t, because both of them were shitbags. Nor will we argue about last season, which happens to be over… Oh! Sorry! I drifted off while I was admiring our trophy case. You really had me thinking there.

If the NFL is full of surprises, there very well could be lying one here.

You’re right. There very well… could be… uhhhh… lying… one… here?

About The Author

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.

25 Comments on "Are Packers Oblivious To The Threat Growing in Minnesota?"

  1. Jack

    …I read this one too…..I’m blind now, so excuse me if my grammer is “a bit off”.

    But you know; there is indeed a threat “growing” in Minnesota. It’s called opium poppies, and apparently the fans of the Horny Dogs have found a way to make fire and smoke “the shit” – and I do mean all of it!

  2. Rock

    Yo man so listen up I am no vikings fan a matter of fact I am an eagles season ticket holder but for real man I don’t like the way you trash Donovan McNabb he has been an elite NFL qb for the past decade and for your information most qbs have some of their best years in their 30’s… Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Michael Vick, Eli Manning, Phillip Rivers, Donovan McNabb, and Drew Brees are all in their 30’s… (or soon to be Rivers is 30 this year) and all of them have been to the pro-bowl and made the playoffs in the last 2 years (except maybe eli manning) Hell even Matt Hasselbeck made the playoffs this past season. So before you blast a guy who has had one bad season in a 12 year career please just do the numbers… this past season. And FYI Donovan McNabb was the No. 2 overall pick in the 1999 draft… meaning he was picked higher in the draft than Ponder was.

  3. Adam

    “You’re right, players usually get better with age. It’s like dating. I always ask myself, What would I rather have? A spry, young girl with a tight body whose pussy turns into sunshine when she throws it into the air or Donovan McNabb? Clearly, this is why I’m dating Donovan McNabb.”

    Bonus points for a Harlem Nights reference.

    • Monty

      Bonus points to you for catching that. Most underrated comedy of all time IMO. Most people have no idea what I’m talking about when I list that among my favorites.

      “I killed her!”
      “Ah, tore the pussy up, huh?”
      “No. I killed her!”

  4. Packers Suck

    While I have to admit, what I put under my name isn’t original, it is more original than the crap you smeared on this post. Really? Talking trash about Bleacher and the Vikings? What’s your evidence? Oh right, a bunch of half attempts at witty one liners that hardly were amusing and very telling of truly how little inteligence you actually have. Truth is, the Vikings are short a deep threat but once they get that resolved, and I assure you they will, the Packers are doomed. Donovan did only have one bad year working with the garbage support available out in Washington. This year with the right supporting cast, he will have a good year. As good as in his prime? No. But he only needs to be proficient. The vikings will be 2 and 0 againt the Packers this year. In fact, the Packers will be comparable to.. say… Limberger? You cheeseheads will get it I’m sure.

    • Rob

      “Truth is, the Vikings are short a deep threat but once they get that resolved, and I assure you they will, the Packers are doomed.”

      Bwhahahahahahahahahaha. Thanks dude. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time.

    • Rob

      “Truth is, the Vikings are short a deep threat but once they get that resolved, and I assure you they will, the Packers are doomed.”

      Bwhahahahahahahahahaha. Thanks dude. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time.

  5. Chad Lundberg

    Ok, I’ll be honest at times, I’ve written things that I have later read and said “ho-ly crap, did I really write that”?

    Maybe it’s because I never took a class on journalism, or it’s my A.D.D., or maybe, I’m just a fan who likes to write about his opinion and could care less about the quality of which my article was written.

    Yes, I am the author of this article that was published on Bleacher report. And I’ll prove it. Tonight, I’m going to release an article called “Philadelphia’s dream team is half true and half hype”.

    And yes, I’m also a CHEESEHEAD.

    But let’s get to the point shall we? Was trashing my article REALLY necessary?

    Am I suppose to study writing and journalism for years just so I can get permission to publish an article?

    Do I have to be as good as the journalist’s on ESPN???

    “Uhhh… the Vikings haven’t won a Super Bowl in the past five years.”
    I never said they won the Super Bowl. I said they took a different APPROACH to winning the Super Bowl.

    “You’re right, players usually get better with age”
    That’s not true actually, in fact, I would almost believe you thought I said that. But no, that’s not true. There are a few exceptions however, Brett Favre had his best year at the age of 40, Charles Woodson had his two best years of his career these past two season. But i don’t where you got this idea that I said Donovan McNabb was getting better. Just that he’ll be better than last season.

    “Yeah, but he was a pedophile, so…”
    Well I guess you got me there. It has everything to do with football after all.

    And then the rest of the article you’re pretty much just making fun of everything I said, because…

    well probably because it makes you feel good inside, and your friends all laugh with you or something.

    I don’t really want to think about taking years of courses that will teach me to write to perfection. I just like the idea of having fun writing what I want, when I want, despite how many people will disagree.

    Sorry if I don’t abide by your rules of writing “Monty”, but guess what? I really don’t give a damn.

    • DevilDon

      Nobody is suggesting you take years of courses to help you write an article. The standard high school curriculum would be enough for you.
      Besides, though your writing proficiency is borderline at best, I think people find your optimism about the Vikings the funniest part of your article.
      Packer fans are as oblivious to the growing threat in Minnesota as they are to the growing threat of fungus between our collective toes.

  6. Landfill

    …and oh ya, I hope you weren’t expecting unbiased articles on BR. I am pretty certain Cheeseheads “attempt” to make sense from time to time while writing on BR, kind of like here.

  7. Mnabbtoharvinoverwoodson

    Can’t wait to see Mcnabb n the boys take Aaron’s ‘belt’ and beat him like a stepchild

  8. iltarion

    The level of delusion is astounding.

    You don’t have to be a Packer fan to see that the Vikings are clearly the worst team in the division.

    McNabb will never make it through a full season. Bank on it. He will get injured or be replaced due to ineptitude.

  9. Chris K

    That was one of the “WORST” articles ever haha. In all honesty: I have stopped going to that website because its just PURE CRAP all the time and most of the time uninformative & usually has atleast one thing factually wrong!

    Website sucks

  10. PJD

    As a Vikings “fan” thank you for finger Bleacher Report writers in the butthole. I hate myself, the Vikings, and Vikings fans even more now because of idiots like these.

    Also, I hate people in general, so I guess this doesn’t help.

  11. MadCity Packer Fan

    AAaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Poor little bitter queeny fans dreams of not sucking anymore getting stomped on a little? Good! Let your team continue not knowing what the hell they are doing and let the Green Bay Packers will continue winning. I say they should just sell the Vikings and move them to LA and move the Rams to the NFC North. It would not only be a good business move but then we wouldn’t have to listen to all the bitchy annoying queen fans anymore.

    • tequila

      please don’t mention the Queens moving to LA, we would have to kill ourselves. (this site is based in LA as is many of it’s supporters).

  12. LA Lakers came from Minnesota and they were a winning team in MN as well as LA. Vikings may have not won a Superbowl but they got plenty of championships in most pro sports. This is unlike Wisconsin who will never win a world series (not this year, Brewers).

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