NFC North: Free Agents, New Starters And Other Nonsense
With everyone in the rest of the country drooling over the [intlink id="374" type="category"]Philadelphia Eagles[/intlink] and everyone in Wisconsin starting the repeat chant, it’s easy to forget about the rest of the NFC North.
Well, it turns out those assholes are playing some football now too. Someone among the [intlink id="13" type="category"]Chicago Bears[/intlink], [intlink id="126" type="category"]Detroit Lions[/intlink] and [intlink id="35" type="category"]Minnesota Vikings[/intlink] has to finish second in the division and they’re all trying real hard claim that honor.
Here are the bullet points, in a decidedly non-bullet-point format.
For the first time in the [intlink id="405" type="category"]Jay Cutler[/intlink] era, the Bears will have a decent offensive line… wait, no, that plan went to shit again. The Bears drafted Wisconsin’s Gabe Carimi in the first round of the draft to play left tackle. They’ve already moved him to right tackle. The Bears were targeting several offensive linemen in free agency and pretty much shat the bed in trying to acquire any of them. General manager Jerry Angelo then alienated their one solid offensive lineman, free agent center Olin Kruetz, and decided to replace him with former Seattle center Chris Spencer.
However, if you’re a Bears fan there is some good news, at least if you’re a Bears fan who also likes washed up former [intlink id="140" type="category"]Dallas Cowboys[/intlink]. The team finally addressed their mediocre receiving corp by adding… two more mediocre receivers — Roy Williams and Sam Hurd. On the positive side, Williams and Hurd finally give Cutler a pair of bigger targets. And if you’re a mediocre receiver no one else wants, at least you know you can always get a job in Chicago. The team also added running back Marion Barber, another guy released by the Cowboys.
The Bears are essentially the same team as last year, another year older and with more Cowboys.
The Vikings big move was trading for quarterback Donovan McNabb, who frightens a lot of people. Just ask the teams in NFC East how scared they were of the Redskins last season.
The team lost receiver Sidney Rice to the Seahawks and replaced him with Michael Jenkins, formerly of the Falcons. In seven seasons, Jenkins has never exceeded 800 receiving yards. He’s probably due for a huge season, though, don’t you think? McNabb to Jenkins will surely go down in Vikings lore as one of the greatest combinations ever, just ask any Vikings fan.
The team lost defensive end Ray Edwards to Atlanta and will replace him with Bryan Robison. These guys are pretty much the same player. In fact, you could probably put a cardboard cutout of Chewbacca at the defensive end spot opposite [intlink id="6" type="category"]Jared Allen[/intlink] and that would work just fine.
Finally, the dumbest guy in the building, left tackle Bryant McKinnie, has lived up to his billing once again. McKinnie reportedly showed up for camp overweight and was put on the non-football injury list. The Vikings signed Charlie Johnson from the Colts and he may end up replacing McKinnie.
Vikings fans have an inferiority complex because their team is inferior. This will be your most inferior team in some time.
The Lions are improved. HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE!
They’ve added HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE!, which will probably allow them to make a playoff push this season. HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE!
They still have a glaring need at cornerback, but HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE!
Their defensive line HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE!
This Lions team HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE! HYPE!
- Bears New Head Coach is… a Guy From the CFL!
- The Detroit Lions are Going to the Super Bowl, Everyone!
- The Minnesota Vikings Love Boat is Back in Action!
- Bears Interested in Packers OC Tom Clements
- First Arrest of the Offseason Goes to the Chicago Bears!