Jared Allen: (Not Surprisingly) Still A Douche

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Jared Allen

Yeah! You're the man!

[intlink id=”35″ type=”category”]Minnesota Vikings[/intlink] defensive end [intlink id=”6″ type=”category”]Jared Allen[/intlink] is just so awesome!

He’s awesome and totally cool in a way anyone who isn’t a dumb redneck just wouldn’t understand!

In other words, he’s (still) a douchebag. And Minnesota Vikings fans still love him.

You know, peanut butter and jelly.

I’m sure you remember the day Allen cut his totally awesome mullet.

You don’t?

Well, he did and he did it for his wedding, which is an event that actually happened. Of course, you can marry sheep in Minnesota, so…

Anyway, Allen took some time to talk about the mullet yesterday (and hell, we’ve got nothing else to do but make fun of Jared Allen).

“I want to grow it back. But it takes forever,” Allen said. ”It’s in my heart still. It’s still a way of life. Sometimes you gotta do things for love and for your parents and I cut the mullet for my wedding. Hopefully the Propecia helps and keeps my hair from falling out.”

A way of life, you see.

Just like wearing Ed Hardy, calling everyone bro and listening to Nickelback is a way of life, I bet.

About The Author

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.

8 Comments on "Jared Allen: (Not Surprisingly) Still A Douche"

  1. luke

    Dude seriously ya gotta find somethin bettter to do in ur life. And grow up cus u sound like ur 8. I know u cant help it if ur jelouse but honestly nobody cares bout ur opinion

    • Mike

      jelouse = jealous, and jealous of what? That sheepfucker, or the pile of shit called the vikings? Do you know what jealous means? There isn’t a team shitty enough out there to be jealous of the vikings or anything to do with the vikings…BECA– — USE THEY ARE SHIT!

    • Tobias Funke

      Hilarious. The guy who spells “you’re” and “your” as “ur” and misspells the word jealous is claiming that the writer of this article sounds like he is eight years old.

  2. lukesadouche

    no, it’s pretty funny. i know douches are sensitive when other douches get made fun of, but honestly nobody cares about your opinion you big dirty douchefag

  3. Doug

    Given how many people are following this site, I would think “nobody” caring about their opinions is a little on the low side. Never mind that it’s his job to give his opinion.

    As for “jealous”, I can’t imagine what you might be getting at…jealous that we’re not NFL stars? Probably. Jealous we’re not a hick/redneck? Nope. Jealous we’re not losing our hair? Nope. Jealous of the Minnesota Vikings success? We all know the answer to that one (and I just giggled thinking about it).

  4. Bob

    ^^ I think every team is jealous of Adrian Peterson. And Clay Matthews is a bigger douche than Jared Allen. Maybe he should get a haircut too, he’s just a big grease ball

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