Why yes, you are on a bunch of lists, Clay.

We’ve somehow made it through eight weeks of the NFL season and you know what that means — every dickhead with column space is handing out their midseason awards, naming All-Pro teams, etc.

What does a midseason award get you? Not a goddam thing, but the stats tells me people like to read about them, so here are some midseason awards from some people who are not fortunate enough to be me.

First, we’ve got Sports Illustrated’s Peter King, who I suspect is somehow responsible for starting this reprehensible midseason award trend.

King named Clay Matthews, who leads the NFL with 9.5 sacks, to his All Pro team. Matthews was the only member of the Green Bay Packers represented, although I’d like to think cornerback Tramon Williams, nose tackle B.J. Raji and guard Josh Sitton received some consideration.

“Matthews means as much to the Pack’s D as QB Aaron Rodgers does to the offense. Even a strained hammy hasn’t slowed this second-year sack machine,” King says.

Here’s King’s full list of awards that mean nothing.

OFFENSE
QB: Peyton Manning, Colts
RB: Arian Foster, Texans
WR: Roddy White, Falcons
WR: Brandon Lloyd, Broncos
WR: Davone Bess, Dolphins
TE: Antonio Gates, Chargers
T: Jake Long, Dolphins
T: Marshal Yanda, Ravens
C: Alex Mack, Browns
G: Brandon Moore, Jets
G: Ryan Lilja, Chiefs

DEFENSE
DE: Trent Cole, Eagles
DE: Vince Wilfork, Patriots
DT: Haloti Ngata, Ravens
DT: Jason Jones, Titans
LB: Clay Matthews III, Packers
LB: Cameron Wake, Dolphins
LB: Lawrence Timmons, Steelers
CB: Brandon Flowers, Chiefs
CB: Nnamdi Asomugha, Raiders
SS: LaRon Landry, Redskins
FS: Earl Thomas, Seahawks

SPECIAL TEAMS
PK: Billy Cundiff, Ravens
P: Shane Lechler, Raiders
KR: Brandon Tate, Patriots
PR: Devin Hester, Bears

AWARDS
MVP: Tom Brady, QB, Patriots
Offensive Rookie: Maurkice Pouncey, C, Steelers
Offensive Player: Roddy White
Defensive Rookie: Ndamukong Suh, DT, Lions
Defensive Player: Haloti Ngata
Coach: Bill Belichick, Patriots

Now, onto the National Football Post’s Randy Cross, who doesn’t quite go as in depth, but still provides some food for thought with his lists that mean nothing.

Cross, presumably, is naming Matthews his defensive MVP, although he kind of just throws him in there with a couple other guys under the MVP heading.

Anyway, here are Cross’ awards… or rankings… or whatever they’re intended to be.

Midseason MVP
Peyton Manning…..You just can’t have a list like this and NOT start with him.
Clay Matthews…..GB is just a different team when he isn’t his “full tilt” self.
Chris Johnson….The O-Line meeting room should have a popcorn machine + 3-D glasses.

*close (Jerod Mayo, Arian Foster, Osi Umenyiora, DeAngelo Hall and Philip Rivers)

Offensive Rookie MVP
Sam Bradford….A top pick who is a future star with more TDs (11) than INTs (8) and 4 wins.
Maurkice Pouncey….This former Gator is doing things physically rookies just don’t do but QBs first.
Mike Williams…Quickly became Bucs top WR and paid off on draft gamble. Hope he holds it together.

Defensive Rookie MVP
Ndamukong Suh…He’s doing things to pros that he did to Big 12 linemen….ouch!
Eric Berry…An impact player with a skill set made to expand his role.
Earl Thomas…Another high draft pick paying off early and he will do much more.

Coaching Staff of the Half-Year
New England…Tell me you saw this coming for Patriots, so far a coaching clinic.
Kansas City…Another testament to the “Patriot Way,” this group has done wonders.
Tampa Bay…Again, who saw this one? It may be smoke and mirrors but kudos for now.

Halfway Half-a-playoff bracket Top 6
1) New England
2) Indianapolis
3) Baltimore
4) New York Giants
5) Kansas City
6) Pittsburgh

We’ll bring you our totally awesome midseason awards… when we get around to it.

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