Commenter billyschwills was the winner of our “Why I Love the Green Bay Packers” contest that ended this week. His bounty is a $100 gift certificate.

We asked readers to tell us either why they love the Green Bay Packers or, if they happen to be a troll, hate the Green Bay Packers. You know, because unlike Vikings fans, we’re not ignorant and don’t discriminate.

Anyway, that’s beside the point. There were some great entries, but this one was hilarious and I told you humor would be a factor.

Also, we have a soft spot for orphans.

Without further ado…

I love the Packers more than Jared Allen loves being drizzled with jizz like a big gay toaster strudel. I love the Packers more than Brett Favre’s oldest daughter loves getting plowed in the shitter by Gilbert Brown’s tubby mule.

When the Packers win, I am so happy that sparrows-literally-fly from my asshole and shit gumdrops into orphans’ pockets.

When the Packers lose, I beat my kids, fist my neighbor’s unwilling wife, put on my Jurkovic jersey and light a couple votive potpourri candles before crying myself to sleep.

Go Pack Go!

Empty ad slot (#1)!