Jared Allen Mauled By Dog

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A scene from my dream last night

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking — it’s too good to be true.

Well, unfortunately, it is. Everyone’s least favorite hillbilly/sheepfucker Jared Allen was indeed mauled by a dog. On the negative side, he was wearing protective gear when the mauling occurred.

Allen took part in a training exercise with while in Afghanistan on a USO tour. Our fine soldiers, who are now dumber for knowing Allen, threw the Minnesota Vikings defensive end in with one of their attack dogs… or something like that.

Of course, the dog kicked Allen’s ass, but Allen was wearing a protective jacket during the exercise and is just fine.

If anyone owns attack dogs, we fully endorse letting them loose on Allen when he’s wearing his Vikings uniform.

A time lapse of Allen getting his ass kicked


About The Author

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.

7 Comments on "Jared Allen Mauled By Dog"

  1. abe frohman

    He must have been trying to fuck it.

    As big of a tool as he is, I do give him props for supporting the troops, though.

    • RayV#7

      hahahaha, thats so true and funny!! i bet the troops put that jacket on him so he wouldnt hump the dog. but we owe him for visiting our troops. what should we get him? maybe a nice french poodle?

  2. u guys are ignorant! just cuz he had 7.5 sacks against u bitch asses…might as well put hellen keller on ur line maby it will be a upgrade haha

    • abe frohman

      Allen Barber and Daryn Colledge at LT just might meet the Hellen Keller criteria. So, he had 7.5 sacks against scrubs. This proves he’s a great player how? How many did he have the rest of the year? And so your point is what, exactly?

  3. MadcityPackerfan

    There has to be some Packer fans over there serving…if so…could someone please pistol whip Jerod for me. Just a gentle whippin..go easy on him. We all know he is a king size vagina.

  4. Trey Corley

    You people on this website SUCK!!!!!! Guess it really sucks when you can’t be as cool as Jared is & have a BadAss woman like he does!!!! Don’t hate on him just because he’s a BADASS -D MAN, a Good OL Country Boy, & isn’t scared to be himself!!!! So get a life or as you say about Jared ” GO FUCK A SHEEP ” you Hater!!!!!

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