Yeah, I know what you’re thinking — it’s too good to be true.
Well, unfortunately, it is. Everyone’s least favorite hillbilly/sheepfucker Jared Allen was indeed mauled by a dog. On the negative side, he was wearing protective gear when the mauling occurred.
Allen took part in a training exercise with while in Afghanistan on a USO tour. Our fine soldiers, who are now dumber for knowing Allen, threw the Minnesota Vikings defensive end in with one of their attack dogs… or something like that.
Of course, the dog kicked Allen’s ass, but Allen was wearing a protective jacket during the exercise and is just fine.
If anyone owns attack dogs, we fully endorse letting them loose on Allen when he’s wearing his Vikings uniform.