Even Married, Jared Allen Still A Douche

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Jared Allen: I am this much of a douchebag

We told you full-time asshat, part-time Minnesota Vikings defensive end Jared Allen was getting married.

Guess what? That obviously crazier-than-a-shithouse-rat bitch actually went through with it. So we all get to hear about Allen’s honeymoon, which was a camping trip to Arkansas stay on the coast of Italy.

And just when you think Allen can’t take the art of being a humongous douchebag to new levels, he does just that. Obviously, cutting his mullet did nothing to wash the stench of white trash off.

Allen spent his honeymoon in a cutoff version of his Vikings jersey and a Speedo.

“I was wearing my jersey every day. I cut the sleeves off by the pool and cropped it up a little bit,” Allen told Dan Patrick.

“I dominated a Speedo over there. I figure, when in Rome, right? It kind of applies. When in Europe, when in Rome.”


Brilliant as usual.

As much as I hate Jared Allen and the Minnesota Vikings, I’m also glad he’s a member of the Vikings. He’s the perfect mascot for the whole backwards, mouth breathing, trailer park trash state of Minnesota.

If drugs were legal, Jared Allen would be the spokesperson for meth.


About The Author

Monty McMahon is one of the founders of Total Packers. He is probably the most famous graduate of UW-Oshkosh next to Jim Gantner.

31 Comments on "Even Married, Jared Allen Still A Douche"

  1. PhukTheDrunkenSconnies

    Speaking of trash, this is the worst bit of tripe I have laid eyes on in quite some time. What a sorry excuse for coherent writing, let alone “journalism.”

    Considering the lack of quality in the “journalism” world, that is saying a lot. If this story doesn’t just wreak of jealousy and a general juvenile tone common among ridge-running Wisconsinites, then I don’t know what does. Have fun watching the “Mouth-breathers” in the playoffs, Montague. Your team will be watching with you. HAHA!

  2. A

    Unfortunately, the Italians are pointing to him and saying “douchebag American,” instead of “douchebag Viking.” Thanks for representing us so well, you ignorant piece of shit.

    And how blind is the chick he married? She was obviously looking at the zeros in his checking account and not at what an enormous white trash dumb ass she was promising to sleep with every night. We can only hope he’s blessed with low motility.

  3. matt fox

    This site is just starting to seem bitter. How many times did Jared Allen sack A-rod? like seven times? lol

  4. Jared=douche: yes ‘sotans=a whole backwards, mouth breathing, trailer park trash state: no. Except that ass with the horn. And the other ass in the Viking costume.
    Oh, and include those asses in the gold braids.

  5. KeinWI

    This has got to be the worse case of poor journalism and Jared-Allen envy I’ve ever seen.
    The guy single-handedly dismantled the Packers last year and all you can do is call him a douchebag.
    Look in Webster for the definition and you’ll see a photo of yourself.
    A-Rod did a great job last year for the Pack…..blame the poor O-line for what Jared did to him, not the guy that took advantage of it.

    • Packer fans don’t call him a douche because he gets sacks, you dolt. We call him a douche because he is one. He’s an unfunny attention whore who gets way more mileage out of his old mullet than he should.

  6. MDS

    Hater in the House! Enjoy watching the Vikes win the super bowl you fudge packer. How does it feel to know half of Wisconsin are Vikings fans and the other half are Bears fans? Go worship at your Gilbert Brown shrine. I know you have hair clippings, finger nails and left over cheeseburger wrappers…

  7. A

    Ohhhh. Someone put the word out to the sheep in Vikingland! Time to come defend their white trash heros!

    As for the amount of sacks Allen had (that Rodgers jumped up from without a limp or a wince), you really should stop living in the past….as there’s anything in Viking past worth bragging about, except for the size of the dust bunnies in the trophy cases at team headquarters!

  8. PackerFanInFL

    why are the packer fans in waiting commenting on non-favre post…hmmm maybe because they are Viking fans in denial!!

    Great Post Monty AGREE 110%

  9. Kat

    Obviously, Allen paid off the Italian cops for letting him into the country with his huge bag of “supplements.” Dude is a walking advertisement for roid rage, Between him and his pharmaceutical partners on the D-line, the judges in Minnesota must be getting rich being paid off to look the other way.

    Now we know why Brett feels so at home in Minnesota.

  10. titletown96

    ……and speaking of Aaron Rodgers.

    Just noticed he graces the cover of rotowire. Don’t know how long he’s been on their cover but I thought Vikings fans…err future Packers fans in Min. would get a kick at looking at there future hero on the cover! Its fantasy football time baby! Here is the link.


    Ohh shit my house just rocked! Eartquake?

    I’m in Cali…

  11. RayV#7

    Aaron Rodgers’ car > Jared Allens house aka his trailer at Douchebag Springs up in Inbred Hills, Minnesota

  12. tj

    haha your an idiot. Love seeing Packer fans call Allen trailer trash when you live in Wisconsin. And I”m from there and still admit it.

  13. eric

    err, umm.. blog or journalism, this piece of writing is so ignorant. pretty sure JA was being completely facetious when he said he wore his jersey and a speedo on his honeymoon. He has a sense of humor. I’m not a viking or JA fan, but this is just RUDE

  14. timpack84

    Lmao! I love this fuckin blog! I hope u viqueen fans enjoyed last season. That’s the closest youll ever be to the superbowl in your lifetime. There’s no way brett farve can ever have 2 seasons in a row like that at 41. And in 2011…. back to mediocrity. Lol you guys will never have a good franchise quarterback or good fans. Can’t even sell out playoff games. 5 years and ull be in L.A.! You’ve never won shit! Enjoy that washed up fuck for 1 more year. We have aaron rodgers for 10 at least.

  15. White trash or not, Minnesota shared a border with your mighty Winsonsin…..I’d venture to say that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

    Aaron has been my FF QB for two years-I respect the man!!! He has never let me down. Nor has Allen. Allen is also a great player! The fact that his redneck ways gets all your panties in such bunches is hillarious!!!

    You may wanna take a look at all your budies and your wives before you get yourself all worked up about Allen being a redneck!!!

  16. Jared Allen is my neighbor and he’s actually a pretty cool guy. I would expect you to be biased but seriously? The things you said were rude and offensive and said for no other reason than you are a packers fan. This article is absolute garbage, right next to the Packer’s hopes of winning the NFC North.

  17. The Truth

    Wow. I knew butt Packer fans were scum of the earth, but you pieces of shit actually got in the cesspool with a shovel and dug deeper. Allen is a real American, living the same kind of lifestyle as many of you rancid toecheese heads, but your lives are so worthless that football is the only thing that matters to you. How sad…for you.

  18. Henry Johnson

    Wow. “If drugs were legal, Jared Allen would be the spokesperson for meth.” The Packers have Clay Matthews, who looks like Blonde Jesus Christ after a coke relapse.

  19. Jakkoon

    Ha, I’m a huge vikings fan, and though immediatly after I starting reading this I was offended. I lingered on, and kept reading and found this is very entertaining. Though I do not aprove of JA’s speedo venture, I love him even though he is a redneck. He does sack the %$^& out of the QB regardless of who we are playing. So keep trash talking because most of us Vikes fans know we suck, and just find this sparing entertainging.

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