Jared Allen

Uhhh hul hul

Minnesota Vikings’ defensive end/chief douchebag/animal fucker and all-around dumbass has cut his mullet.

Allen, who still looks like a redneck thug who molests his sister, apparently cut the mullet because he’s getting married.

That’s right, Jared Allen is getting married.

When we found out Allen wasn’t getting married to his cousin, which is completely legal in Minnesota, we decided to find out what prize he was shacking up with. I mean, obviously this woman must have a gun rack in the back of her ’86 Ford F-150, a dip of Red Man in her left cheek and a flannel shirt collection bigger than Eddie Vedder.

When we finally caught up with her, she proved us wrong.

“I was dancing at the Blue Ox Bar in Brainerd when I was 17. I had a fake ID, so, you know, I could support my mother and my son. Jared came in and just swept me off my feet. Not only did he tip me five dollars that night, but he took me out to the point the next night. We shared a box a wine and then he forced himself on me and he lasted almost five minutes! It was sooooooo romantic!

“Well, I got pregnant and had my third abortion and Jared even paid for half! I knew I was in love then. Most guys don’t pay. They don’t even answer the phone at their momma’s house. But not Jared. He has one of those cellular phones and he answered.

“So I left my son with momma and moved to Minneapolis, which is a lot like Brainerd. I lived with Jared fer almost a year now and he hardly ever hits me. So when he got that ring from the pawn shop, well I just couldn’t say no! But I told him he had to cut that hair, cuz he looks too much like my uncle Bob and uncle Bob would touch me in my special place when he got drunk.”

True love, Minnesota style.

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