Well, it turns out our suspicions have been confirmed.

Ben Nelms, the guy from Madison who paid $1719.90 for a full-page color ad in the Hattiesburg American urging Brett Favre to play one more season for the Minnesota Vikings, is probably more ignorant than even the average Vikings fans.

Deadspin broke down the Favre ad yesterday and came away with this summation of Nelms.

Traitor, bigamist, bandwagoner, and Favre fan. I think that last one might be the worst.

Why so harsh?

First of all, 2009’s Minnesota/San Francisco game is the first Vikings game Nelms went to in the past 15 years. So, like a lot of Vikings “fans,” it’s easy to see when this tool jumped on the bandwagon. Oh, and Ben, don’t sprain your ankle when you jump off that motherfucker.

As for being a bigamist, Nelms opens his open letter to Favre by saying he was a Houston Oilers fan.

“As a young boy, I had two favorite football teams. One was the Houston Oilers (because once I saw the great Earl Campbell running over people, I was hooked) and the other was the Minnesota Vikings. Why? Because I had this one toy football helmet (you know, those little collectibles sold in the quarter machines at grocery stores); it was purple with the timeless white horn on the side. That’s all it took. From a young age I was imprinted.”

Yes you were. Imprinted with the stamp of failure and ignorance.

From that diatribe alone, this guy should be disqualified from being a football fan.

Actually, what am I saying? This perfectly qualifies Nelms to be a Vikings fan. Not only does he have dime store allegiance, but he has it for no real reason at all. I’m just thankful a Green Bay Packers helmet didn’t come out of the quarter machine that day.

So, anyway, let me serve up a little more idiocy from the Favre ad. Disclaimer: this may make you throw up in your mouth.

“So the rest of these words I write directly to one particular dude hanging out and healin’ somewhere down there in the warmth of Mississippi… Brett Favre, thank you, bro. You made a good team great. You gave a “big business” league some personality. You made a professional sport emotional. And you helped make, so it appeared to all of us, a group of teammates into a collection of friends. And that’s fun to cheer for, gosh darn it.”

I’ll give you a moment to rinse your mouth before I go on because no one likes puke mouth, gosh darn it.

OK bro, let’s move on.

That drool-mouth nonsense makes me wonder if Nelms has even watched an NFL game before the 2009 season. I think any self-respecting Packers fan can tell you football is an emotional game every Sunday and was so well before the 2009 season, but then, Packers fans don’t sell their allegiance on eBay.

So, Nelms goes from the idiotic to the transparent to the sappy before finally reaching the delusional.

“It’s this simple — we just want to watch you to play again. And you know what? I’m hardly alone. This is a sentiment that transcends team colors, a common feeling shared from the frozen tundra all the way down to the who ‘dat nation. Let’s just say it outright… football is a lot more fun with #4 on the field.”

I mention Nelms delusion simply because if there’s a common feeling anywhere near the frozen tundra, it’s that the Minnesota Vikings can crawl into a hole and die and that Brett Favre can go fuck himself.

But here’s what I really love – Vikings fans who have no sense of history (surprising, huh?) and pretend Favre wasn’t kicking their ass all over the place for 16 years. Was football more fun with #4 on the field then? Did I miss the ad you placed when Favre retired from the Packers or the Jets?

Fucking loser.

Empty ad slot (#1)!


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