Prince

Prince now sucks.

Prince is one of the great musicians of our time. He’s written fantastic songs like “Purple Rain,” “1999,” “Cream,” “Seven” and “Darling Nikki.” He’s pushed the boundaries of music and art. And he’s done all of this despite being from Minneapolis.

As far as pop music icons go, I’d place him behind only Michael Jackson in the modern musical era.

That is, until yesterday.

Yesterday, Prince, who has been making recent appearances at Minnesota Vikings’ games, released “Purple and Gold,” a song about the Minnesota Vikings.

I gotta tell you. It’s the worst piece of crap I’ve ever heard.

First, it’s about the Vikings, and not a cool song about how the Vikings suck donkey balls, but a song that actually glorifies this classless, shit organization.

Second, it sounds like a fucking Christmas carol.

Third, Prince doesn’t even sing on it.

Take a listen.

Are your ears bleeding? Did you just projectile vomit across your desk? Are you now stabbing yourself in the face with a pencil?

If you’re not, let me run down these lyrics for you.

the veil of the sky draws open
the roar of the chariots touch down
we r the ones who have now come again
and walk upon water like solid ground
as we approach the throne we won’t bow down
this time we won’t b denied

raise every voice and let it b known
in the name of the purple and gold

we come in the name of the purple and gold
all of the odds r in r favor
no prediction 2 bold
we r the truth if the truth can b told
long reign the purple and gold

the eyes say ready 4 battle
no need 4 sword in hand
we r all amped up like a rock n roll band
ready 2 celebrate every score
ready 2 fight the elegant war
ready 2 hear the crowd roar

that’s what we came 4
and so much more
in the name of the purple and gold

r spirits may b tired
r bodies may b worn
but since this day is r destiny
r history – that’s y we must b
4ever strong as the wind that blows the Vikings’ horn
in the name of the purple and gold

CHORUS

I am not even fucking kidding you.

I know you want me to tell you this is some elaborate hoax, but I’m sorry. It isn’t.

So, quick, throw back a shot of whiskey, listen to this and pretend none of this ever happened.

As for you, Prince,well, your stock just fell through the floor.

Empty ad slot (#1)!

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