Brett Favre

May as well be playing Madden.

You know, I thought I smelled something funny coming from the Twin Cities – and I’m not referring to the stench of inbreeding and ignorance.

No, I’m referring to the pungent smell that drifts your way when your arch enemy is more lucky than good. It’s the smell that makes you want to vomit. The one that makes you wonder when your hard work will be rewarded versus that of your dumber, uglier, smellier cousin, who just seems to skate by on a thin sheet of stupidity that somehow always seems to work out in the end.

Anyway, I’m talking about those shitbag Minnesota Vikings, who, according Advanced NFL Statistics, are the luckiest team in the NFL. You know, normally this is something that I would make up, but now that someone else – someone who has put together some statistical analysis – is saying it, I feel pretty good about hating on those fuckfaces from the west.

I’m not going to say the Vikings aren’t good, because they’ve won a lot of games, and they’ve beat our beloved Green Bay Packers handily on two occasions. However, there has always been something a little off with the Vikings.

I don’t know who they hell they’ve played. Of the four Vikings games I can remember, two were losses (Pittsburgh and Arizona) and two were against the Packers. The games against the Packers were, 1. probably the Packers worst defensive efforts of the season and, 2. the two games in which the Packers offensive line played their worst two games of the season.

Jared Allen notching half of his sacks on the season in those two games says something.

But that’s not important. Back to the Vikings, who are a bunch of lucky fucks – and I stress the word “fucks.”

Advanced NFL Statistics says it isn’t just the Vikings. In fact, it’s one Brett “Lord of the Earth” Favre.

Two years ago the Brett Favre-led Packers topped this list as the luckiest team.

Then last year, the Favre-led Jets topped this list going into the final games of the season, while the Favre-less Packers became the unluckiest team.

Guess which team tops the list this season. The Favre-led Minnesota Vikings are the luckiest so far in 2009, with 2.7 more wins than we’d expect given their general on-field performance.

So there you go.

Well, on second thought, let’s be a little more expansive.

… maybe it has more to do with missed last-second field goals, a weak schedule, and some good old-fashioned luck. In terms of efficiency (yards per play), the Vikings don’t look that great on paper. On offense they are 9th in pass efficiency, 18th in run efficiency, 14th in fumble rate, and 1st in interception rate. On defense they are 13th against the pass, 10th against the run, and 26th in interception rate. Overall, they are 13th in the league in penalty yards per play. Yet the gods of football are smiling on the Metrodome, blessing the Vikes with the third best record in the NFL at 10-2.

As you can see, those rankings are pretty average. In fact, ANS calculated the Vikings would have 7.3 wins at this point in the season, based on those statistics.

Again, not my words. And I emphasize that because I can just hear scumbag Vikings fans screaming right now about how am jealous that the Vikings are 10-2 and the Packers are 8-4.

Well, let me tell you something, shitbag. Until I take my last fucking breath on this earth, I will never, ever be jealous of someone who’s a Vikings’ fan.

So when when will the Vikings come back to earth? My prediction – and this shouldn’t surprise anyone who’s ever followed the Vikings – is in the playoffs.

Rule No. 1 about sports – a choker always chokes, and the Vikings lengthy history of winning absolutely jack shit when the games count tells me we shouldn’t expect anything different this season.

Sorry, Minnesoooooooooota.

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