Jared Allen

It's true, I'm a total cunt.

Ah, that Jared Allen. He’s such a clown! I just can’t get enough of him! [insert screech of needle violently scratching across a record].

Of course, we’re just kidding. Jared Allen is a douchebag. He plays for the Minnesota Vikings – the douchiest organization in the history of professional sports.

His hillbilly antics are tired. His mullet is tired. Jared Allen is tired.

Don’t get me wrong. The guy can play football. He’s owned the Green Bay Packers this season. He’ll probably win defensive player of the year largely based on two games against the Packers. He’s going to be an All Pro and make the Pro Bowl, both of which will be deserved.

However, here are some things Jared Allen can’t do: read at more than a sixth-grade level, put together a coherent thought, stop being ironic even when no one finds the joke funny anymore, and not insult my intelligence.

Want to know what a douchebag is? Here’s more proof. Maybe next time you could wear your Affliction shirt, Jared.

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