Mayor Lamo

By now you’ve heard about Green Bay mayor Jim Schmitt’s plans to “welcome back” Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre in a “classy” fashion before the Vikings play the Green Bay Packers on Sunday.

Schmitt solicited suggestions from the community and the announcement that we was doing so raised plenty of ire among Packers fans. Well, the activities to welcome Favre back to Green Bay have been announced and Packers fans can rest easy because they are, in a word, Lame. Yes, that’s Lame with a capital L.

In what Schmitt is calling “4 Days to Victory,” the city of Green Bay will spread four events over four days – events began Wednesday – to “welcome” Brett Favre back to Titletown.

According to the Press Gazette, those events are as follows. The Total Packers Scale of Lame, a scale of one to 10 with 10 being the Lamest, will follow each event, along with commentary.

On Wednesday, all public and private school eighth-graders are being asked to suggest the “Top 12 Reasons 4 Staying in Green Bay.” The winning list will be announced Saturday, and the class will receive $300.

Lameness: 8 – We’re all for helping out schools, but if you really want to help those kids, encourage them to expand their horizons by getting out of Green Bay, where they have the chance to become something other than an alcoholic.

Today, the mayor will officially — although temporarily — rename Minnesota Avenue as Aaron Rodgers Drive. New signs will be installed at 10 a.m. on the short road on the city’s east side. The designation will continue up until Monday.

Lameness: 5 – I could really get behind this if it were permanent. I mean, what the hell do we need a street named Minnesota for in Green Bay, anyway? Those jerkoffs have never done anything for us.

Flip Flop Friday will pay homage to Favre’s difficulty to make up his mind whether to retire over the last few years.

Lameness: 10 – Hell, I live in Los Angeles and it’s too cold to wear flip flops here right now. Anyone who wears flip flops in Green Bay tomorrow is going to get frost bite and lose a toe!

Saturday, from 3 p.m. to 5 p.m., Titletown Brewing Co., 200 Dousman St., will host a Packers Rally. It will serve “waffle fries” — also in homage to Favre’s “waffling” — and solicit Packers-themed name suggestions for its new beer and root beer, which will be served as part of the celebration.

Lameness: 10 – OK, so someone at Titletown Brewing is a big campaign contributor. Great. Could we at least come up with something other than the flip flop/waffling idea again?

Overall, on the Total Packers Scale of Lame, Jim Schmitt’s 4 Days to Victory comes in at a solid 8.25, which is pretty goddam lame.

OK, OK, I’m not one to criticize and not offer up solutions. After all, that’s how lame problems get solved. So here you go.

On Wednesday, all public and private school eighth-graders are being asked to suggest the “Top 12 Reasons Not to Be a Traitorous Fuck.” The winning list will be announced Saturday, and the class will receive not $300, but $400 – because we can do better than the city of Green Bay. Those cheap bastards.

Today, the mayor will officially and permanently rename Minnesota Avenue as Zero Championship Drive in honor of the Minnesota Vikings franchise, because that’s how many championships they will eternally win. New signs will be installed at 10 a.m. on the short road on the city’s east side. A framed photo will be sent to Vikings headquarters for the team’s trophy case.

On Friday, everyone who has tickets to the game will be given the day off work to make expletive-filled anti-Brett Favre signs. Any pro-Favre signs will be confiscated and burned in the Lambeau Field parking lot.

Saturday, from 3 p.m. to 5 p.m., Bellin, 744 South Webster Ave., will host a Packers Rally. All women will receive free douche kits — in homage to Favre’s complete douchiness. Any woman who attends the rally and the game will be eligible to hurl her used douchebag at Favre as he enters Lambeau Field on Sunday.

So there you have it. You need a lame problems solved? It’s time to call in Total Packers!

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