Personally, I think the NFL blogosphere needs more paranoid conspiracy theories and superstition.
With this article, TotalPackers.com will try to do just that – I will examine a fascinating chain reaction of retarded events that may culminate in the Chicago Bears becoming relevant once again, much to the chagrin of my beloved Green Bay Packers.
This is all Bernard Pollard’s fault. Or maybe Tom Brady’s flimsy knee. If that’s the case, blame his parents’ crappy genetics. Or can I just blame Tom Brady? I hate that dude.
Lost yet? Let me get back on track. Here is the aforementioned chain reaction, butterfly effect:
1. Week 1, 2008. The Kansas City Chiefs’ Bernard Pollard blows out Tom Brady’s knee.
2. Journeyman to be, Matt Cassel is inserted into the starting lineup.
3. Against all odds, Cassel surpasses all expectations and is actually revealed to be a top-flight quarterback.
4. New England fails to make the playoffs, but Matt Cassel is franchised during the offseason, making him very rich.
5. Meanwhile, fresh off a humiliating finish for his top star (Brett what’s his name), super-agent Bus Cook plots a new revenge against his foe, the Green Bay Packers. But withretired, how could he get a top flight QB onto an NFC North rival?
6. Cassel is traded to Kansas City, dashing the dreams of Tyler Thigpen.
7. Word that Denver had entered talks, which involved trading their rising star QB Jay Cutler and bringing in Cassel, surface. This was an unbelievably naive and misguided on the part of the new Broncos staff. Cutler had every right to be upset, but his lack of maturity and agent Bus Cook’s opportunistic meddling quickly sent the situation into a free fall.
8. Earlier this week Denver acknowledged they will now seek to trade Jay Cutler.
9. Today, Jay Cutler was traded to the Chicago Fucking Bears, thus waylaying the ascension of Kyle Orton from a god-awful to merely horrible QB.
10. Steffen now hates the Bears more than ever. Ditto Bus Cook. Ditto Denver.
Never before has one injury affected so many teams, so many players and careers. All of this wouldn’t have happened if Brady stayed healthy. Amazing. While Denver collected a whopping two first-round picks for Cutler, that team is just in ruins now. They have no quarterback, no defense. Just a smug-as-hell rookie coach.
Don’t try to tell me Cook didn’t call Minnesota and Chicago during this fiasco. He was most certainly looking for a way to stick it to Green Bay.
Meanwhile, Packers fans are going to have to deal with the preseason prognosticators predicting playoff success for the low-life Bears.
My message to Bears fans is this: Cutler is very good. Potentially the best quarterback you’ve had in decades. But the rest of your team is garbage. Garbage head coach, garbage fans, garbage stadium.
Still the same old Bears. In short, don’t start chanting Super Bowl just yet.